Girl with her heart on a shelf

 This 13 year old that is me is so very hard to process and understand. 

 I feel like I am failing her because she still feels very far away.  

I feel like I am failing her because, I can't stop the pictures, the nightmares or the bruises.

It's my fault that she isn't healing.

I look at her and see gross and disgusting, I see what was done to her.

I feel their hands, I smell their cologne, I see their bodies and hear their laughter.

There is a huge disconnect between us, I see her as something other than.

That innocent 13-year-old girl that wanted to belong.

And that girl under 5 men, who I see and think how did she survive? 

Sometimes, I often wonder even Why? 

A girl with broken parts that are way beyond repair.

I want to feel good feelings for her.  I want to believe in the things I want to be true. 

Somewhere in my heart I know that she is worthy, innocent and lovable. I have to believe that.

I have to know that somewhere, right? Can she be those things? Still?

I don't see innocent, lovable or worthy.

I truly want to believe she is all those things; I want to believe those things with every breathe. 

 but I don't.  

I don't know how anyone can ever love her, care for the damaged parts of her.

I do not believe there is a single person that can love her completely unconditionally .

I don't know if she can ever not feel the depth of what she has experienced. 

I don't know if she will be able to let the tears flow,

 I feel them but can't let them fall

somehow crying feels weak for her and she has to be strong. 

She is the girl with her heart on a shelf. She puts it away because she knows 

no one can give her the things that she needs, because the unworthiness she feels 

steals all the air in a room

She is the girl terrified to come close and terrified to stay where she is. 

So her heart is on a shelf to stay safe and pretend that every breathe doesn't hurt.

I heart your heart