Its Back

 

Yes it's back. Gross and disgusting has come back with a vengeance and I truly thought it was gone. I call it; "it" but what is that. It is that huge mass of every thought, experience and feeling all mixed up into that one day, with me against 5 men.  It is all the people who knew afterward who stared at me and made comments, the people who made me believe that I was something worthless and did something terribly wrong. The "it" of Gross and Disgusting is the pictures that play in my head, still looking for something that I could have done different, the nightmares still trying to come up with a way out, to get away and be safe. I just wanted to be free from the hell that I was in.  This Gross and Disgusting is a huge ball of tangled mess that lies, right on that 13-year-old girls' heart because she doesn't know where to begin.  She doesn't want to understand the things that were done to her, and she doesn't understand why no one ever stepped up to help. 

Today I can look at her and try not to automatically think she is Gross and Disgusting, but its there; I feel it. I see a scared and pained girl that wanted nothing more than to be loved and cared for.  At the same time there are parts and pieces that I struggle with being able to separate. I don't think, no I know there was no way that she could even comprehend some of the things that went on that day.  There is no way for a sane person to understand the hell that was lived through, and the terror that still lives in her bones. The level of Gross and Disgusting that was experienced is something that no shower no matter how long could ever make a person clean; ever again. 

I am grateful for the parts of this day that I can't remember.  Because if things were so horrid, that the world went black; I am sure that those are things I could not live with.  I remember enough, and I know that 13 year old remembers more than me and then there is just the darkness, the kind of darkness that no human anywhere should ever have to experience. I don't understand the things that were done, the things that happened, the things that I can still see, hear, smell, taste and feel.  After all of this time there are just things that I am not sure are ever going to go away. 

I am stuck trying to give rhyme and reason to the things that there is no explaining or putting into any kind of understanding.  How does a person come to terms with something, that is life altering.  There are days that I want to scream at the world every little piece that is held in my heart and soul and there are days that I want to curl up in a ball and just pretend that I don't have a single terrible memory.  And there are other days I feel so lost, because I have been trying to figure this out for such a long time and there just isn't any kind of resolution. There are days that I am grateful that I survived and there are days that I wish I didn't.  There are days that Gross and Disgusting makes me feel worthless, and alone.  There are days that the gross and Disgusting oozes from every cell, and I just have to pretend that I am fine. 

This thing called Gross and Disgusting literally has a life of its own. It keeps me safe, it keeps me alone, somehow it is a guarantee that nothing like this will ever happen to me again, if I just keep it close enough and prove that things were this bad it will mean something. Gross and Disgusting has to mean something.  It's filled with shame, embarrassment and an extreme need to hide.  I am learning that Maybe just maybe even if I can add a little light at a time slowly ever so slowly, this is something that can go away forever. I keep trying I keep fighting that someday I will find the words that I need to put these words to rest. Someday, they wont feel so heavy, and they won't feel like the end of the world. 

I heart your heart.