End of the year

 

Wow, after a shit show of a year I have survived the 2022-2023 school year.  I have tried not to be sad.  I have tried to brush things off as no big deal but there were a lot of things that were a really big deal.  There were a lot of things that were done; that were said or not said that were a knife through my heart.  There are things that I don't even have words for.  I was treated like crap a huge part of the year.  Things just kept getting pied on and there was no asking no explanation.  Just because a person can handle something doesn't mean that we pile it on until they break.  I feel like this year broke me. it is going to take some time to recover, and love what I do again.  

I hated being teacher of the year.  It was not an honor, it was not something special.  There was no celebration for me,  there was no anything and I was more than a little heartbroken.  This is supposed to be something special,  it was announced as a quick staff meeting,  I got a crown with tags on it, a squishy ball, Walmart Band-Aids, and wiki sticks.  There was no thought that went into that.  I heard the comment when I was leaving wow 35 percent of teachers choose you.  And there was not another work spoken or anything special.  There were no flowers or celebrations,  my family was not involved.  Everything felt like an afterthought.  I think how things went is always going to hurt.  The dinner was nice the people that I wanted were there,  the people that made a difference in the year for me were there.  At the same time the people who should have been there were not,  and that was tough.  As a teacher of the year your supposed to be celebrated yet for me there was the ever present question what did I do wrong.  I think it will take some time to get over.  

All year I was thrown the hardest students with little to no support. I did it most of the time and by the time that I asked for help I was already drowning. I saw such success in my student first semester.  I was exhausted with no lunch or planning all first semester but the  progress and how I saw him grow was so very worth it.  I am lucky I had the support of the behavior specialist.  He was the only reason I survived first semester.  There was no breather,  once he was in the correct placement,  two more were thrown on me and I was the odd man out when I asked for help.  I was hit punched kicked and jumped on daily and nothing was a big deal.  Even when we were given, an emergency para to help,  no help was sent my way and thing never changed.  We talk about trauma informed care for students and this year the trauma informed care for teachers was non-inexistent.  I was triggered badly and that didn't seem to matter.  People said things like well you are a special education teacher.  Yes I am and I would like to teach not get the shit beat out of me and my room destroyed daily. No one saw the seriousness of what was going on and I was greatly impacted in such negative ways. I was not supported and each time I would reach out, there were no solutions.  I feel like there was very little teaching going on, this year.  So many of my teaching tools were destroyed and my class was basically in the hall.  I was not supported or treated kindly.  I was often yelled at and given little to no support.  As a SPED teacher you have to work as a team to be successful.  That didn't happen. 

I cried more tears alone in my empty class than I would ever like to admit. This will be a year that I remember for the support I had with Bobby and the successes that my student had.  This is a year that will forever be a pain in my heart. This is a year that made me want to leave teaching completely. This was the first year ever that if I had a husband, I would have come home and said I can't go back there I am giving my notice.  That just isn't ok.  A job should not suck the life out of you and this year it did. My thoughts, and feelings and pleas for help meant nothing.  

I am glad that it is over and I am looking forward to love what I do again next year.   

I heart your heart.