Grateful for the things I don't remember

 

That sounds crazy! I am grateful for the things that I don't remember.  I am grateful for the times that my entire world went black.  I am grateful for the things that I don't have to carry around because i don't have a clear picture. Because I am not sure I can tell you what it is like to carry the pictures, The pictures of evil things done that there are no words for.  The 5 men that tried to destroy the person that I was.  Things that were taken away that I didn't know were even important.  As clear as I sit here in front of this computer and type these words, the pictures of my thirteenth-year play in my head.  All the things that happened all the words I was told and all the ways that I was never kept safe.   I sit here now and I am more than grateful for the things that I don't remember, because I can't imagine remembering any more than I already do. 

Maybe this won't even make sense, but I have to try.  I am tired of talking about the pictures that I see as clearly as I do things in my daily life.  I smile and do everything I am supposed to all the while these terrible violent things are running in my brain on repeat. I literally have to do something with these pictures in my head, .  I can't carry them anymore, I don't want to see them and keep trying to figure out what I could have done different.  I don't want to see them and I don't have a clear understanding of why I have a death grip on the things that are so cruel. 

I am not sure how to start even, because my heart just hurts.  There is still a pain. This is all I have. Even in not remembering the consequences are still there.  So here is my attempt at trying to explain. 

When Charles came and we ended up in my room, I was there and present until all of the sudden I wasn't anymore, I don't remember even getting on my bed, I remember his sunglasses fell off, and I was worried that they were broken, I kept repeating that we were supposed to go shopping. I tried pushing him away. The next thing that I remember was the pillow coming at my face and I was gone.  My physical body was there on that bed but I was some place far away. I felt nothing remember nothing, my very soul was elsewhere.  When he was done he just got up and went to the restroom,  I got my clothes on, but the thing is I don't even remember them coming off.  There was a knowing what happened to me, but not remembering.  It's the hardest thing in the world to experience.  Two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant.  I know what happened to me and at the same time I don't. I was just away.  It's one of those things that is more than hard to wrap your head around.  There are no pictures no feeling no nothing, because when it happened you were somewhere other than in your own skin.  For that I am grateful, I have my amazing children and there are feelings of course but there are no evil pictures that roam my brain.  

I wish that is was like that for the pictures in my head of the things that happened at 13. Because I can see the pictures, in every graphic detail. There are even times that I don't know what happened but the pain that I felt was barbaric and brutal.  There are days that I can feel that today, the things that happened are locked inside, and don't have words or an outlet really.

I am trying so very hard to figure out all these things in my head.  There are so many different levels if being far away  and I want to understand how my brain works. How I fit these different levels in my brain and be able to work with them to find even more healing. How are there  things that I remember so clearly and other things that I can't tell you at all.  I remember bits and pieces then I remember the chairs and the curtains, the fringe on a rug and the song that was playing on the radio.  

I am grateful for the things that I don't remember and working so hard on letting go of the pictures that I can't forget. 

I heart your heart