I have been thinking about my mom and I am not going to lie it hurts. Because there will always be questions that I have. Why didn't she love me why wasn't I enough. Sleeping with The Enemy is on and i remember us going to the movies together. A daughter of one of her friends worked there and we always got in for free, We saw so many sappy Julie Roberts movies. I can remember being comfortable in her company, we laughed a lot. She wanted to have me around, I felt like she loved me. Then I think of times when I needed her and she would tell me that she had to make him happy. Moments when I needed her to stick up for me and she didn't. She loved me when it was good for her. When I was covering up something or meeting one of her needs. But where was she when he had just raped me in my bed and went to console him. Where was she when he made me lay on the kitchen table while he tried to shove medicine down my throat. Where was she then. I think as i got older and started to voice the things that weren't ok she got further and further away. There was always this unspoken competition with her. He would kiss her and look at me. He would make comments about our bodies and laugh. She was my mom there was no competition, I was her daughter. Only there was a lot and I didn't realize it for a long time.
Maybe the first break was when I pressed charges. Nothing was really ever the same after that. There was a lot of pretending and ignoring. We never really talked about anything at all. She never asked. I can remember after I told her, Dennis wasn't the only one she sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers to the house where I was a nanny. I can remember us being out in the pool and she asked if I wanted to know about what had happened to her. I can remember screaming in my head, what I was doing had nothing to do with her it was about keeping Angela safe. There was never any conversation about the things that happened to me. She never asked and I never told. She never asked about the police and detectives, she never asked how things were going. I can remember when the trials date was close, we were all asked to go to the courthouse. I can remember My brother, her and I all sitting in the room. The Da went into great detail about something that happened to me I said yes and answered all of their questions. There was not a second of any care or concern for me. I never felt smaller, sitting there baring my soul. I was the most insignificant piece of dirt under each and every person's foot in that room. I said yes and I answered the questions, there was no comment, no care or concern for me in that moment. I knew before then that I was in this all on my own. But after that it was set in stone. During that time she came to counseling with me once and she was asked where she was when my father was hurting me. She said that she didn't know where he was but at least he wasn't in her bed. I didn't even realize it but the therapists in the room did and pointed it out. How does a girl respond to that. Did I really mean that little to her ?!? There was nothing else ever spoken. Even when the case was all over she said oh I am so glad its over. I was still dying inside and not one person noticed.
I feel like i kept giving her chance after chance and something would happen and once again, I would be the one that was crushed. I feel like that was the story of my life giving all of me and always getting crushed in the process. Even when i had lost a lot of weight, I wanted to get a trainer and get healthy. I wanted to be a better me, and she told me how stupid that it was what a waste of money and she went out and got a trainer. Once again that competition rearing its ugly head, I was pushed to the side. She didn't want success for me. Things only continued to get worse, she wanted me to be this cheer leader for her praising her every accomplishment and all the while I was barely keeping my head above water and nothing was ever asked, was I ok, did I need anything. I was alone in the world even with her here. We had short moments of connection, but I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, when I again would be a disappointment and forgotten. When my brothers needs would shadow mine and I would be left. When I would be the topic of conversation about all the things that I was doing wrong. For a long time I held on to hope that someday if I was just good enough, things would be different. That was never the case. I was never enough.
She was a wedge in-between Vincent and I and she never thought about what she was doing to him. He was her little buddy and fed him lies. Now I am left repairing our relationship in all the ways that he was too young to understand. She overstepped her bounds, taught him to keep secrets and proved to him that I was the enemy. I can remember setting a boundary with him, and her response to me was that I was going to loose him. I can remember being furious, no he was in his early teens and doing things that were not acceptable. It was called doing the hard thing and being a parent. I saw the things that she did with my brother and she did those same things with Vincent. Truly heartbreaking. Makes me more than sad that I have to repair the relationship with Vincent because of what she did. I am not sure he can ever fully understand. That makes me sad. She was often unkind to Mariska. She didn't like that she was her own person. She didn't like her because she was a girl. Because her and I had a relationship that was everything a mom and daughter should be. I do think that she loved her, again when she was getting something out of it, and she was doing exactly what she wanted.
I think the end of everything was when she decided to have weight loss surgery everything became hers and mine. I didn't fit anywhere in her world. I was the disgusting pig. That is what I felt. Everything was in secret, like I was some kind of monster. Once again she wanted me to be this cheerleader for her and never once was I asked how I was doing if I was ok. The entire time I was drowning trying to finish school and be a mom and keep a house. She was giving herself shots, and I became the enemy. Everything that I did was wrong, she was everything perfect. All she talked about was food and weight. I was no longer good for her. She was cruel in her actions, and no one heard me. Even last year, I found a letter that was written to her insurance company talking about her severely obese daughter and how she wanted surgery to prove to me that it could be done. What the Fuck! Once again, I was crushed, good thing I found the letter after she passed away. I was the one who went to you and told me I was stupid for wanting to find a trainer and get healthy, again that competition. My heart was broken way too many times for a single lifetime, by the people who are /were supposed to love me unconditionally.
For as long as i could remember she had said that she wanted her and the kids and i to take a trip to Alaska. Well, that last trip that she took was to Alaska and was with Chris and his family. When I told her how heartbroken that I was , she didn't care. She said that she was old and that I should have been happy for her. She missed the point entirely. That was her last trip. I will never ever go to Alaska. Just another soul crushing example. He was the favorite always was. She even got in the middle of our relationship. Always pitting us against each other. Talking about the other, starting conversation that she had no right to be a part of. That is what she did. It affected my brother and made our relationship almost impossible. She had to be in the middle and there always had to be sides.
In the end we were on different planets. She didn't want to understand where I was, and I didn't understand her. I was talked about often, she made sure to have conversations that were in ear shot. Leave things laying around. There were times when she was deliberately hurtful. She didn't like the daughter, parent or woman that I was. She wanted to be my entire life, and there was just to much hurt to be forgotten. From reactions from others, and things that were said. I was the bad daughter. From Martha to her friends, I was terrible in every sense of the word. In November she even changed her life insurance, my brother was the sole beneficiary. Even in her passing she was able to crush my heart.
There are days that I get sad, its a sadness that I didn't have the loving mom that I needed not because the one that did have is gone. I struggle to find the right words. I don't want to be mean or careless. People just don't understand how things were and no one ever cared to get my side. There are days that I still feel guilty that I don't miss her. In my head you are SUPPOSSED to miss your mom. Your supposed to have good memories and warm thoughts and for me those are few and far between. We were never on the same page or even in the same book. When she got back from that last cruise, I remember her coming in my room and wanting for us to take a trip. I kind of laughed, it was the kid's senior year i had no money for a trip. I didn't want to take a trip with her, it was a little too late to be what I needed my entire life. There were times I begged for her to love me and that was just something she couldn't give me. So as I write this my heart is sad. But I go on making sure that I make my heart happy and be the kind of mom that I always needed. I do not miss her. I am glad that I don't have to care for her, that I don't have to deal with all of her medical issues. I am glad that I no longer have to wait for the shoe to drop in my own home. I am glad to continue my relationship with Mariska and rebuilding one with Vincent. When I am old and gray, I hope that my children will have lots of good memories of us laughing, of lots of love and lots of amazing memories. There are more important things than money or weight or what everyone else thinks. Somewhere deep down I want to believe that she loved me once, she was just unable to show me and be the mom that I needed.
I heart your heart
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