Too Functional

 I saw these words in a post today and I quickly grabbed a pen and had to write it down.  If I had one tragic flaw, I think that this would be it.  No matter what happens or how hard I get knocked down I keep going.  You would think that would be a good thing in the world but really it isn't because everyone just assumes that you are fine.  I think that I learned this from before I could even remember.  It not an option to show weakness or to not be ok.  I have reached out I can not tell you how many times and 9 times out of 10 there will be no response.  There will be no one checking on me.  There will be no call or texts making sure that my heart is ok.  I think when I asked to leave where I was living in Plano.  She got all the calls making sure that she was ok.  I didn't get one.  All I got was one person giving me her side.  Not one person who called me friend, checked to see if I was ok. They all choose her and things were never the same.  I guess that I learned many of them were not my friends to begin with. That I will never understand.  Holidays, special events, they are all spent alone because you I am too functional for anyone to notice that I often cry myself to sleep.  That I find myself unable to move on the couch because the sadness is that heavy.  Even if you ask if I am ok I will most likely tell you that I am fine.  It's just in the asking that means the world. I just don't understand that. I don't understand not being checked on, not being cared for. 

I think to when my mom died.  No one called to check on me.  People that knew my heart, people that knew me and who I truly was never reached out never made an attempt to check on me.  I didn't get a single dinner or hug or a single person that cared.  I got beautiful flowers from my job, I got amazing flowers from Beth.  I got a card from my old team. I didn't want a lot but to be acknowledged would have been something amazing.  Maybe I am wanting to much , so in my head I have to do it all on my own.  That is way better than needing help and support and being left to fend for yourself.  I have had to fend for myself my entire life, I am not sure why at 48 I expect things to be any different. 

I think that even when I tell people how I am nothing changes, I mean I still have to keep the house going and care for the kids and take care of all that has to get done.  Those things don't just go away because I am heartbroken.  Those things don't go away because the sadness I feel when I get out of bed is equal to a thousand lifetimes.  Nothing changes and there is no help no matter how I feel. it gets to the point where why bother asking for help if I am going to end up more hurt and alone.  So, for me it isn't worth the bother.  I just have to do things on my own. 

Even with my car right now.  I am more than stressed, my heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest, and I am not sure what to do and yet I get nothing.  I don't have any family to go to.  I don't have a go to person to even talk it through with me and its more than frustrating. I just would like one person on my side all the time no matter what.  If even to just listen to me, let me bounce things off of them ask for advice, but there is nothing.  

I am not sure that the people around me understand all that is on shoulders and all the things that I have to carry on a daily basis.  They see me smile and figure things out and inside, I am a mushy mess that doesn't have a clue what is going on. I think that one day I hope that for a time I can just be and someone tale for of things while I gather and collect myself to keep moving on.  I think most days there are pieces and parts that are left behind because I just can't carry them all at once.  Someday I will have someone and have a time when i can collect those pieces and have some time to put them together before the next tragedy strikes. Someday I will have a few days not to have to worry about anything other than fixes the pieces and learning to breathe again.  Right now, that is not an option so I am going to hold on to hope that someday hopefully sooner than I think, my day will come, and I will truly get to rest.  I hope that someday there is going to be someone that will hold me and help me on those days when the world feels exceptionally heavy.  My shoulders are bent, and I am not sure that I can hold much more and yet I do; I always do.  But I don't want to have to.  I hope soon that there is some relief, because my heart and soul are so very tired.  I am trying so hard and yet it feels like a losing battle. 

I heart your heart. I keep fighting and I am keeping my fingers crossed I am going to win.