It's Been a Rough Month

 Here I am another post.  It's June 6th and I think there have been 5.  It seems the last week that I can't get out of my own way. It's just all the things that have happened in one life. I am tired of how people that have been assaulted get treated. I am tired of feeling like i am the one that should hide and be ashamed.  I am so sad that I was the one with the problem that always had to hide.

Mariska and I watched the Hillsong documentary and the abuse that happened and everyone glosses it over.  The Dugger documentary and everyone looks the other way.  There was a story on Amazon prime about a girl that was gang raped and the police did nothing.  They even took pictures; she was getting sick and had her head out the window and they kept hurting her and the police didn't even ask the boys any questions.  She ended up dying, she killed herself in her bathroom because she was the one who was getting bullied and called names.  There was another one called we are girls.  Again, the abuse was looked over, the sisters were given no support. They had each other, but  even still that doesn't make up for the people that are supposed to protect and care for you. Its on the news all the time yet  someone else is being accused and yet, its always the victim that is looked down on and scoffed at.   She should be surrounded and helped.  She should be supported and cared for. But as a society as a whole, we don't do that. 

I feel like there is no break.  I wish that none of those things happened to me.  I just want to be a normal human and do normal things.  I don't want to understand these stories.  I don't want to be sad; I want to feel strong.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to be proud of myself for fighting so hard to get to where I am. I want to be proud of where I am and how far that I have come.  Today it feels like  I lost all of the good things I have learned and the progress that I have made, and I can't for the life of me find them. between the nightmares and the pictures in my head, I am way under water. 

There were three days with only an hour of sleep here and there.  The nightmares have been brutal.  No one listening or hearing me, I was even bleeding everywhere and people still wouldn't acknowledge what happened to me.  The nightmares were so bad last night that I woke up and couldn't get out of it, I grabbed a pen to write it down but that feeling that dread, that aloneness has lasted all day.  It feels like it was yesterday not lifetimes ago.  It's all the things that were never said.  It's all the ways I have been ignored.  It is everything and nothing at all.  My heart hurts. And its not even something that someone can do, just be there let me talk hold on.  Nothing can make it better nothing can change it make it go away.  Just please remind me that I am not as awful as I feel that I am deep inside. Just please stay close as I navigate this part of this very hard road. 

Lost by Linkin Park 

I heart your heart.