I have been dealing with this since i was 13. I replay the pictures in my head all the time. I try to think of all the ways that i could have done things differently, If there was even one thing that I could have done differently to prevent the things that happened to me. if I could have reached out one last time, someone could have helped me. I find myself all these years later still looking for that one thing that could have saved me. I want there to be easy answers, I want there to be an easy way to get these things out of my brain and I fear that this will be the hardest thing that I have ever done.
No one has ever asked me what happened. No one ever sat beside me and let me cry. No one ever even let me talk about my feelings, thoughts about what happened. I was blamed and fingers were pointed, I just obviously wanted attention. There were no doctors to make sure that I was ok. There was nothing just a girl brutally gang raped for hours and hours and was left to deal with things on her own. There were so many bruises , there were parts of my skin that were black. My inner legs were swollen and covered in marks, from being hit, held and beat. Literally touching my skin was painful. Sitting was painful laying down was painful. I can remember when we went to friends of the family in Lewisville and I just laid down in the back of the car, my body was hurt that much. There was a great deal of pain no matter what i did. It felt like it took my body forever to heal. There was a lot of blood, and a lot of damage done.
Some call it gang rape some call it a train some call it a party rape. They are all the same and all just as devastating. There was one counselor when I was 13 who asked me how many men there were I said 5 and then he ignored me the rest of the session. I was not asked anything else, all the attention was on my father.
The first time that Don came, there were butterflies when I saw him at my door. I felt special and was like wow he said he would see me again. I was so excited, I can remember my heart beating so fast as I threw my arms around him, giving him this huge hug. He had flowers, and I can remember smelling them and thinking how special that was. He smiled but, in a few seconds, I knew that things were so different.. His eyes were different, they were cold, and no longer handsome He wasn't that warm soft presence, the kindness that I felt when I met him was gone. He started kissing me really hard and I was so afraid, and I can remember trying to talk but no words would come out. I remember making noises, but I kept thinking no not him not again. I think that my brain was trying to figure out why this was happening. He didn't stop and ignored any resistance from me. He got rougher and rougher until he had pushed me into the living room , I know that I was crying. I can remember asking him to please stop, but it was like I was invisible. He raped me. There was a shock, like no this can't be happening to me. I was more than angry at myself, like i had let this happen to me again. I replayed every moment of the weekend that I had met him , I was the girl that danced in front of everyone, I danced with him I kissed him I invited this. I was that girl who hung on his every word, and laughed at every joke. I was that flirty girl who blushed when he noticed me, and the sight of him made my stomach turn in circles. I was the reason that this happened to me. So just do what you know how to do. Clean up, get everything in order and pretend that you are fine. So that is exactly what I did.
I was barely breathing really, just trying to survive. I stayed away from everyone. I thought the further that I stayed away from people the less likely that I was going to get hurt. I was devastated and truly thought that there was no end for me. My father's actions were always rude and crude and I felt awful inside and outside. I didn't see a point to anything anymore.
It wasn't much time later, maybe a few weeks, that Don showed up at my house again. This time I wasn't the one who let him in. There are a few moments in this day that are so very very clear. I do not know how I survived. and yet others are muddy or even non-existent and I am grateful. I am glad that for parts of this day its just a blackness, a blackness that no amount of love and light will ever make go away. When he first showed, up, when the others came, when they had me under the fan, when I was in my brothers room and the gun. Those are the moments that I remember the most those are the moments that are unimaginable because the word terror doesn't even come close to what I felt. I was in the shower, it was early, and I had my music on. It was shut off and I was like seriously, a little peeved, that my song stopped. A stupid 13-year-old like that was my biggest problem in life. I peeked my head out of the shower and Don was standing there taking his clothes off. There was a moment that I froze, but my mind was trying to figure out what was happening, how did he get in, why was he back. For a short time, I was in a mode where I was just trying to figure everything out. How was I going to get out, why was he there.... WHY WHY WHY. I think that there was a part of me that thought I was somehow going to get out of it. Maybe if I was nice to him, maybe if I told him just let me finish my shower and then we could talk, all the while I was just thinking of any escape that might work. When he stepped into the shower the panic set in, I started crying, begging, I kept telling him that he didn't want to do this. I pleaded, he was just so forceful, and so violent, I remember screaming in the beginning, once he pinned my arms over my head and turned the water very hot, all I remember is that water, it was dripping on my face and in my eyes, I can feel the cold of the shower wall on my skin and the water that was so hot, it was burning me. There wasn't enough of me to fight him off.
Then the moment that the other 4 came. Don had already hurt me in so many ways, I could not understand why he hadn't left yet. I was face down on the bed, my hands tied behind my back. I am not even sure how to explain my thoughts. I just didn't want to be hurt anymore. I can remember his duffle bag that sitting next to the orange chair that he was in. I was afraid of what else was in there and what he could hurt me with. I heard him on the phone, and he didn't have a care in the world. He was so calm, and not worried about a thing. He was laughing, invited them over. He said some awful things about me and hung up. He was at my face. I just wanted to die. I heard them laughing, and I couldn't understand why he had called his friends. I had no idea what was going to happen to me or why. I saw them in the doorway and was so embarrassed. They were all chatting, like nothing was in front of them. I was there naked on the bed and no one seemed to care or ask what was going on or was upset to see a girl naked on the bed in front of them. Don jumped on the bed, hitting me and told them to watch. He got on top of me and pulled me to him, it hurt and he laughed and said we have a screamer. And one of the others started to undress and got on the bed. I can remember catching eyes with Andy, I wanted to understand. I really wanted him to save me. I wanted to know why this was happening. I will never forget his face, those eyes, his blonde hair. He was different, at least he saw me. He is the only one that I would know if I ran into him anywhere today. I think he was just as scared as I was. The others started taking their clothes off and joining in. There were men everywhere and the last thing i remember was being hit and passed around and everything went black, the last thing that I saw was Andy's eyes.
They brought me to the living room, I wanted to fight, but there wasn't much left of me my body was in pain. I had my arms and legs tied to the furniture, and as they each took their turns, I just watched the fan and said their names. Over and over, I can't imagine how many times that I repeated their names over and over hoping that each turn would be their last. Every muscle every cell is my body just wanted to die. The cheered each other on, laughing like it was a game. They would take a break then go again and everything just faded away. I wasn't a person anymore. There was no fan or number of times I could have said their name that was going to save me.
Later they decided that they needed some privacy and brought me to my room, So I guess they could each take a turn on their own. My room full of sharpei dog posters on the wall and my little mini figure of a California raison with sunglasses on. There was snow white and all little glass animals that surrounded her, on the shelf. They each took their turn brutalizing me, there wasn't much left but I managed to scream, at least it felt like I did. I had to try to do something to make them stop. I was pretty hysterical I think that I was hoping one of them would just finish me off, go ahead use the gun blow me away, just kill me. I just wanted to die. The last one was extremely violent and I knew that I couldn't handle much more. Andy came in, and I became frantic, yelling and screaming, I am not sure what I thought but he was kind. He didn't rape me in my room. He didn't hurt me he gave me a blanket, he wiped my face. I remember him saying it was ok , it's ok its ok I am not going to hurt you. I can remember holding on to him for dear life when he was in a sense taking care of me. it was a connection. As crazy as that is, I didn't want to let go of him. He wasn't violent or evil like the others. He was not purposeful in trying to hurt me like the other 4. At least there was even that small refuge in the hell that I was in. I think he knew that I could not physically or mentally handle any more and he stood up for me as I was moved back to the living room. Much of the rest of the day was blackness.
The horror that day, I wasn't human. I sit here and my fingers have been in the same place for a long time, I am not sure there is a way to get everything out about this day. So many little things and so many big things. I feel like there are pieces I remember and forget all the time. I have to take this day moment by moment or I would be somewhere else. For a person to survive. For a girl to just pretend that everything was ok. I will never understand. For no one to notice that I was not the same girl was inconceivable
The final time that Don came, I was still recovering from the gang rape. My body still black from bruising, everything was achy. I was the shell of a person. I was scared all the time, I'd see them sometimes at school the big hero's coming back. I lived in fear all day every day. When there was a knock I don't even know why I answered it. I did and saw Don. My heart stopped. He had that fucking smirk on his face. He said something about wasn't I going to invite him in. I knew what was going to happen. I unbuttoned my pants and fell to the floor. I was in a different place all I felt was the cold linoleum floor, right there in the entry way, I remember the pattern of the wicker shelf to the left of me. He grabbed my face kissing me and I turned my head. There was no reaction I knew what he was going to do, I think I finally learned that it was easier to just let him take it, then try to do anything else. I felt nothing, it was like I wasn't even there. He was as brutal as ever, I just memorized the bottom of that wicker shelf , all the Criss cross patterns, over and under over and under.
That was the last rape by him. He knew that he had broken me, there was nothing left for him to take.
I can not keep all these things in my head. They are too heavy, and I am exhausted.
I heart your heart.
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