My life is a Roller Coaster

 I do believe that my life could be compared to the biggest most wild roller coaster that you never knew existed. Things go ok then crash they get better then crash harder.  Then things improve but I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hope that someday, I can find just a happy medium without the extremes.   Tonight, I don't want to be alone and there is no one to call, no place to take a break, there is nothing but alone. What does a person like me do.  It's almost time to get Mariska at work and I can't wait for her to be home.  I have to smile and find out about her day. I have to be there for her. I think that maybe I just want that for me.  I want someone to be glad that I am home and happy to see me.  I want to cry and say no I am not ok today can you just sit with me. My heart is just so tired.  The entire car thing is so very stressful, I worry about so much.  Did I do the right thing.  Are my payments too much.  Just so many things and I worry about them all. I have everything and nothing to be sad about. I have everything terrible in my head and a roof over my head and a job that I love.  I think of the Mark Nepo poem, the line that stands out : Everything is beautiful, and I am so sad.  I feel that with all that I am.  I have these terrible awful memories and feelings and I can't see anything else.  Then there are times, that I can stand up for someone and make a difference and it all feels like somehow there is meaning.  There are just so many things that I want to do and accomplish.  When I am doing my trauma stuff and preparing, I feel more alive, I feel like I am using the things that happened to me to make a difference.  I feel like when I am working on that stuff and am 6 feet under trying to deal with it all is also the same time that I feel like I learn and understand more and move forward.  If I know anything about myself it's that I am always going to have my trauma front and center, because there are so many people that need to hear, that need to heal that need to understand.  I know the person that I am, and I am never going to be quiet, I am never going to hide ever ever again.  The things that have happened to me are a part of who I am down to my core, and I won't pretend that I am fine or fake it until I make it. I am going to be the real true me all the time.  So, either join the roller coaster or get off, there are too many things that need to happen.  There are too many things to fight for, and I will be true and genuine and do things differently, so others don't have to feel so alone.  

I heart your heart