A Book ?

 I think writing has always been a way for me to get all the things out that I have never been able to verbalize.  I can still remember the first journal that I got in the hallmark store, a tiny little thing with a little bear in a window. That journal was everything and a way for me to express all the things that I kept inside. I write because often I don't know what else to do.  When you have survived the things that I have, you learn to create a safe place in whatever it is that you can.  For me it was my journals. Either my writing journals or my art journals; they were an outlet in a world that wanted me smile and pretend that I was fine.  A world that wanted to sweep all the things that happened to me under the rug and pretend that everything was great. I was not going to let those things happen.  I lived in A world that gave me the message that I along with what happened to me, should be swept under the rug.  As terrible and rough, and lonely that things got I was convinced that I wanted more. Nothing was fine. I was barely breathing and yet nothing ever changed for me no one stepped up. 

I have been doing a lot of reading, walking around spending hours in bookstores looking for a story that that I can say that's me, this is the things that I have going on inside and there just isn't anything available.  I want a book that I can hold that will give me hope and give me an understanding that I am not alone and not crazy.  There has to be people like me out there that are just as alone and confused and if I can reach out to them and help them believe and give hope then maybe just maybe this heart of mine can feel a belonging that I have never known.  Even when I thought I belonged I learned in time that it wasn't real.  Sides were chosen, and I was the one left.  I cannot be the only one that has experienced a life like mine and I want to find them.  I want to scream from the mountain tops these are the things I survived, and these are the people that helped and let's help and support each other to get through this.  That is what I want my book to be.  I want my book to be that beacon of hope that people can come back to hundreds of times and see how far that they have come.  I am not sure yet how to make this happen, but it is in my heart, and something that I want more than anything.  I don't want a bestseller, I don't want to be on Oprah, I want to make a difference and for my story to touch others so that they do things different, and that no person has to feel the things that I have felt in this world.  That is what I wish for.  

Untangling The Trauma: Learning to live with broken Pieces.