Sometimes

 Please hear the things that I can't tell you. I need help so that those things don't kill me from the inside out. There are times when there are no words and I need you to take the things that I have told you and listen beyond the words that I can say.  I am trying to tell you, but I am not sure that you can understand. The shame, the utter embarrassment at the things that happened to me are bigger than you can see. I need you to be careful, but I also need you to ask.  I watched someone give a talk and they said give me back the words I said and let me explain.  I want to tell you, I want to get it all out in the light.  I want to say those hard things and I don't know how.  I have never been asked or been allowed to talk about the things that happened to me.  No one asked when I was 5 no one asked when I was 13 and no one cared by the time I got to 29. I have gotten braver these last few years and said more than I ever have, but there is still so much. The pictures and thoughts that swim in my brain are things that I have learned to live with.

When I pressed charges, they asked questions, and I answered the best that I could, there were times that I was so in a another place.  There are a lot of things that I don't remember or can't place. Did he use his fingers or anything else.  I remember feeling confused. Did he have any birthmarks or exceptional features. Questions I heard and answered but wanted to crawl away and hide.   I need to be asked questions and have someone want to understand. I need someone to be careful and give me a place that its ok to share, that I don't have to be ashamed, and I am not sure that exists for the reason that I live in a place of shame.  It is ok to share in my place, but there is a guilt that no one should have to hear that. 

I need it to come out and I need someone to tell me I am not so awful, and at the same time that is too much to ask of a person. Such a bind, and there are no easy answers. The pain inside is gross and disgusting oozy and ugly and I am so afraid that those things will never ever go away. 

I heart your heart.