The pictures in my head

 

The pictures in my head are things of your worst nightmares. As hard as I try, they don't go away. 

There is screaming and fighting and all kinds of evil

Sometimes the details I can recall are so vivid

Yet there are big details that I can't recall at all 

The pictures have a life of their own and you could never imagine the things I am seeing 

Because I smile and can pretend that I am fine. I have gotten really good at multitasking.

Daily living as a 48-year-old woman and a girl of 13 trying to survive the unimaginable

If you could see the things that I see I fear, you would never look at me the same way

If you even got a small glimpse, you would run as fast as you could in the other direction 

I am worthless, unlovable and forever damaged.

Ugly, gross and disgusting and don't forget broken

The saying comes to mind you can't unsee the things you have seen, I would never want that for you 

For me that saying, that is the problem because I cannot unsee the violence that was done to me. 

The pictures in my head are brutal and devastating. 

some days I wish that they weren't things I knew. 

I am fighting, I am trying to survive and on most days I do ….

only there are also days that I wish I didn't, that every breathe hurts and is a reminder of what has happened.

I smile as I pass the pool ready to be home, the ducks are in the pond and the sun is shining in the trees.  

Inside i am screaming way too much skin and too many bodies 

shirtless men everywhere, My brain wants to SCREAM. 

My heart starts to beat out of my own chest

I see a group of men and automatically think, they are going to do the same thing.

DANGER DANGER DANGER  

I have the music loud, the windows are down, I am an amazing car singer; it helps me forget until it doesn't

Everything stops because the song that was on as you were being raped, is blaring as loud as the last.

In that second you are back there in the moment and 5 men are on top of you and you can't breathe

They are everywhere, taking turns and there is no way to comprehend all that is happening.

I am happy working hard, a student smashes into me. 

Panic mode, I have visions of men everywhere that don't take no for an answer. 

My children leave a mess in the living room things are in disarray, pillows on the floor

I panic because I need to know that things have a place.  

The same kind of disarray when you are raped in your living room for hours.

When you wake up to your dog licking your face,

The fear that it's a man going to hurt you, laughing and sneering.

When you watch a show and others talk about Rape, and there is a moment you freeze 

The pictures get louder until they scream 

 you try to prove that those things don't apply to you, because you are a slut

You turn the shower on, the second you feel the water the terror begins

 all you see is a girl being held on the cold wall and a mad man doing unthinkable things. 

A simple shower to get clean, he even ruined that

Its the morning when all is quiet and there has been little sleep; exhaustion is real

You fear the quiet because anything can happen, and the tears start to roll down your face

You find yourself wishing for even one day without any fucking pictures, just a single day. 

Is that really too much to ask?

Then the tears stop, you pick yourself up and know that tomorrow is another day

So you continue to fight.  Someday, the pictures won't feel so real, and they won't hurt anymore. 

Right ?

I heart your heart