Speaking

 

I think the me too movement and those things were all amazing. Those movements brought awareness and was helpful to so many that were unable to find their voice.  I think it brought a lot into view that should have been in the forefront for a very long time. But we have to do something in the everyday with the people that are right in front of us.  It's the counselors that listen and truly hear.  It's the detectives that go the extra mile,  its the people in the everyday that are going to make a difference.  It's the friends that chose to stay even on the hard days, weeks or even months. It's the people that have been to hell and back and are willing to stand up and say THIS.  This is NOT Right, and we have to do something.  We have to make those things common practice not something that is done in a single rally, or an event once a year.  Don't get me wrong those things have their place and are able to bring an amazing awareness.  We also need that acknowledgement, time, patience, space and awareness every moment in our daily lives.  I have said it a million times I am one of those people that is never going to stop.  I will never stop sharing, never stop learning and never stop trying to explain what it was like for me and how we can do things different for others. I never want anyone to experience the things I have , or feel the things that I have felt.  I know that I can't help everyone, but I am sure going to keep trying until my very last breath. We have to do things better, so people can heal and lead full lives.  So, people can find their happily ever after. So people can heal and find their very own happy.

I think that when Mark and I speak at the conference, if only one person hears us and does things differently then we have made a difference. 

It was pretty awesome, Mark called me Friday and he said that he had this uneasy feeling about July.  He was worried that some of the people that I have spoken about, some of the people that have not been so kind might be there. He was worried about the people that may show up that every now and then they come with an agenda. And there was no way to control, their response or questions. That I was being thought of was amazing, like what I thought and felt was important.  When he called it was a conversation.  I felt heard.  We shared our thoughts and opinions, like I don't have those conversations very often, not in a personal way anyway.  I think that I felt very valued,  what I said mattered and that is something amazing. Here is the email that I sent after this conversation. 

You know me of coarse my head is spinning. Presentations podcasts, a book someday so many questions and things running in circles. Even if people have something to say, let them.  I have never in my life backed away from hard things. If even we can make a difference for one person. They can totally blow me off, and for a minute or two I will be crushed BUT we are going to make sure that they think while they are there.  If one detective, one Dr. one teacher or church member does things different, then that is more than worthwhile.  That is standing up for little callahan, and 13 year old callahan in a way that no one ever did.  This is standing up for everyone behind me and in front of me, to make sure things are done with more kindness and understanding. 

I am terrified. I don't know what this is going to be like.  But it's important.  

I am finally at a place where I don't have to worry about whose toes that I might step on, or who's feelings that I might hurt.  I have no one .  I have my children.  The three of us.  I speak for them for me and for the little girl that I was that never got to speak, never got to have a voice and was never heard. I still have a long way to go, but I am also not where I was 5 years ago.  It's in my bones to do things better for others and help them understand.  

I told Mark if more people like me had people like him, the world would be a better place. We have to have the hard conversations,  we have to be open to learning new ways of doing things.  We have to have open conversations about the things that matter, because there are a lot of lives that depend on it.