The person that it would take

 

I am just sitting here on a Sunday, playing the latest fallout boy, there is some opera thing on TV, not a fan really.  There are dishes to be washed in the sink laundry to be separated.  I am reading this really awesome book; and I am trying to figure out the order that all of these things need to be completed in so I can get back to that book.  And this crazy thought comes in my head , do you realize the kind of person that it would take to date you ?  Do you realize the person that it would take to love you, and care for your heart. 

I can promise I don't have a clue where this came from, this thought about someone caring for me and loving me and being my person. More so lately, there is this thought I don't want to grow old alone, I don't want to be by myself anymore. I even found, myself asking my kids their plans because grad school starts for me and I am thinking about what is next. I want to sit on the couch and have deep conversations about things that matter. I want someone to laugh at my stupid comments about things and thoughts in my head and smile. I want to talk about the things on the news and how we can do our part to make things better. I want someone to say its ok your heart hurts today; lets get up and enjoy outside, let's go to the zoo, let's go see some ducks.  Let's take a picnic and go somewhere new.  At the same time there are those thoughts that destroy any thought of one day not being alone.  There is this reality that come on Callahan why in the world would anyone ever want to be your person spending their time with you.  I wonder all the time why anyone would ever choose me. Why in the world would anyone want to take that on. In comes that constant thought that I am a burden, a mess, a pest.  Why would anyone want to have to deal with me.  How could anyone love me and all my parts and pieces.  Some of them are sharp, and some are covered by band aids that may often need replacing.  Why would anyone willingly sign up for that? Why would anyone want to care for wounds that they didn't create that I have and are just a part of who I am. 

I have enough baggage for a million lifetimes, there are things I will forever be sad about.  There are things that are in my heart that I don't know how to explain to anyone but can tell you just all the ways that I am affected. There are days when I am not good at all, when my heart is heavy and my thoughts replay the past.  Not on purpose, but that is how I am wired.  There are times you have to know that you can't touch me. He would have to know never to sneak up on me and scaring me for fun would be a deal breaker. And for me sex is something that I worry about what if I can't give a man what he needs what if, I cringe and have flashbacks and cry. Somewhere in my head the things that happened to me were sex, why would that ever be something that I want.  What if there are times that I cry and I don't know why but still need him there just to be safe and hold me.   Sex is a huge struggle for me, what I know is violence, it is what I have known my entire life and that has challenges, I have never imagined or experienced.  I can not even fathom someone looking at me and thinking, I am pretty or anything close to that.  There are more things about a partner that I can't even begin to imagine because there has never been someone that wanted me because of the person I am. I can honestly say that I wouldn't know where to begin to make a relationship work and be all that I would need to be.  

I hate when people say well there is someone out there for everyone.  I kind of shrug my shoulders and turn away.  For me boyfriends and dream weddings were things that were meant for the pretty girls, the put together, smart and funny girls.  Once in high school, we had to put together our wedding, I admit it was amazing, I loved every second of it.  I found the most amazing dress and flowers and of course I had found the most amazing guy, But boyfriend and girlfriend is something that I have no experience with. I have always felt less than other girls and that is something that I don't ever remember not having.  

As I heal, as I continue to learn about myself and the things that I want in life.  I want a forever, I want a happily ever after.  I remember someone told me once that there were no fairy tales and maybe they were right.  But I am sure to many my fairy tale is something that so many others take for granted. My fairy tale is a kind gentle man that will love me even on my hard days.  Even on the days when I am everything unlovable.  

To the man that is out there and perfect just for me,  I hope that you are gentle and kind.  I hope that you will gently touch my face and remind me that I am everything special. I will need a lot of reassurance,  but know that I love with my whole heart.  I love little notes that let me know I am loved, I need kindness, I need patience.  I need a man who can appreciate my dancing in the kitchen, and my mad car singing skills.  I want you to sing with me and pretend that there isn't a care in the world. I need a man that can understand I love hard and fast.  I am loyal to those who care for my heart and just want the same.  I promise to share the little jokes and thoughts in my head and I hope that those things make you smile and remind you why you stay and why you can't imagine living your life any other way.  I hope that you have a smile that lights up the room, and you go out of your way to help others. I hope you have an open heart and are able to step in for my children. They have never had a father figure and having someone step in for them is something not to be taken lightly.  I hope you have a love for nature and whales and understand the love that I have for them.  I hope you can love me even on those days when loving myself is the furthest thing from my mind.  I hope that every day you remind me just how worthwhile and special that I am.  I hope that you can include and make me a part of the things that you love.  I hope you don't mind questions because I have millions upon millions of them just waiting to be asked for the right person.  I hope that you help that woman in the parking lot with heavy groceries, I hope you see that person struggling to get something from the top shelf and step in with out a thought to help.  I hope you like to do things around the house, and make things look beautiful.  I hope you have a love for life and enjoy the little things.  I hope you notice the smallest birds and the brightest rainbows. I forever and always hope that you have a kindness that just emits from your soul.  I am scared, I am not sure that I am ready but know that on good days, when I feel strong, I do hope for you.  I hope that we can grow old together and never imagine what life was like before we met. 

I heart your heart