What if it isn't possible for all of me

 I am terrified. No, I am beyond terrified that, that 13-year-old girl will never fully heal. I am afraid that she is too damaged, too broken and that there are parts and pieces of her that will never fully come back to life.  I have always said that about her.  I believe there are parts of her that will forever and always be far away in a place that is unreachable.  I am not saying that she won't heal at all, or that she will never find a sense of peace.  I do believe that someday she will find those things.  Bit I am also very aware that some things she experienced are things that changed her to her core, on a soul level really.  There are things that happened to her that there are no words for.  Things so beyond the human experience that her world went black; there is no healing from that.  I hope someday she can find words and find her voice.  I know that she will come far and learn to thrive, but there is a piece an ever so small piece of her that is very aware of the damage that has been done and is realistic that there are some things that are just different for her.  There are things in this world that are always going to ware on her heart and be different for her. There are things in this world that she can never unsee, unexperience or ever forget.  And there is nothing in the world that she wants to forget more. 

We were talking about it last Wednesday, all about the different stitches that are needed for different wounds.  There are tiny steri strips, internal stitches, outside stitches, staples and there are wounds that need any combination of those.  Then there are also those wounds that require a drain.  A drain in addition to all the stitches and staples to drain all the things that a person can't see that are hurting them.  Some wounds need all of the above, some need a few sutures, some just need some steri strips to fully recover and in time all that remains is a scar. Some wounds need all of the above and more.  Sometimes there are deep ever present wounds that need those drains as a lifeline to the world.  Still there are other wounds that even a drain, even many drains could never fully heal and recover.  I write that and know it is such a negative thought, knowing that a part of you will never fully heal and recover. Sometimes I think there will be no scar because the wound is still a gaping oozy mess. In the same breath there is another thought that maybe it's just reality settling in that there are just things that happen to a person that are so gross and disgusting, that are so appalling that no drain, not even thousands of them are near enough to clear the ever-present terror of the things that are unspeakable.   I work so hard to heal, I work so hard to fit in a world that doesn't understand the pictures that I live with. I do my best to function with pictures running in my head like a movie full of so much terrible awfulness.  I hear a song and I am back there.  I feel their hands and am back in the exact moment; it happens more than I would ever want to admit.  I have come a long way but goodness after all this time, I think it should not be this bad. I have made progress, I have fought to be where I am but there are some things that still eat away at my heart and soul and make sleeping, eating and living sometimes really really hard.  

I found this poem and its perfect for how 13-year -old feels :

Tears of the Ocean by Heather Lea 

Don't touch me, it hurts; I'm too broken

Don't try to come too close to me

Inside I am dry from tears I have shed

And the from the scars I can't let you see

Don't try, I'm not worth the wanting - 

Just leave I don't want a fuss. 

There is nothing inside, all my feelings have died,

my heart just withered to dust.

Like a cactus, I'll face stormy deserts- ,

No need for the waters of the soul.

I'm dry defeated, battered and bruised

bitter, dejected and cold

Don't touch me I don't want to hurt you,

My prickles they sting when I feel.

Just leave me alone in my desert.

From this pain I can never heal.

This is what it is like.  Even after all the work that I have done, there are pieces that are too dark.  There are pieces of my story that are too hard to see.  I will keep trying to bring that sweet girl out, until she is next to me and believes in herself and the people around her.  I also know that she has experienced a darkness that many don't live through.  Maybe the kindest thing to do is to place the drains in the deepest darkest places and be ever so gentle with her; letting her know that I am always here and when she is ready or willing and able, I am here.  My biggest hope is that someday she will trust me and the good people around her to be rid of the darkest moments that are in her bones. A place where the nightmares are less and don't cause bruises.  A place where the pictures don't play on repeat; and an understanding that she isn't the intense all-encompassing gross and disgusting that she believes herself to be with her whole heart and soul.  I have hope for her, but I am also well aware of the damage done.  I am scared to hope for something that may never be.  

I heart your heart .