I can't fix her

 

I can't fix her I can only mend her. I do think of her as broken, and I think that there are pieces of her that will never be recovered. I truly believe there will always be some oozy, open wounds that are just untouchable.  I am not sure how to change that. I feel that little Callahan wasn't broken, again there was an innocence. It's like there was always some kind of lifeline for that little girl. Like she was able to feel, I knew that when I saw her, she was sad, she was looking for a connection, she was so afraid of everything.  There was this innocent girl wanting someone to love her. She was always the one who wished and wanted someone to swoop in and make her feel better.  She was cautious always making sure that they were safe.  She wanted that, she was never in total darkness, she always had something to hold onto. 

 It's so different for sweet 13-year-old. She doesn't feel anything, anything at all. Parts and pieces of her very being were destroyed beyond recognition. I have been really cold for weeks now, and I was asked if she was cold?  And I thought and realized, no she isn't cold. She isn't cold because she can't feel a thing right now. She doesn't feel anything.  I want to leave her a soft blanket, just as a safety as an offering so she knows that she will never feel that kind of cold again.  I see her there 5 doors down and I know that she is there.  But she is lifetimes away.  You are frozen in time, and I want you here with me, I want you to see the good things and the good people. She is the gross and disgusting, she is the one who was there and survived.  She is stuck there somehow, I think there is a hope but sometimes she forgets because the pictures overwhelm her. I have done this before; I should know how to do this but it's so much more complicated. 

I want to fix you.  I want to make it all go away. More than anything I wish that I could take the pictures away.  I wish that I could stop you from feeling their hands and hearing their words.  I just want more than anything for you to feel loved and cared for.  You are so far away, and so disconnected.   I want more for you.  I want to make the pain go away, I want to give you some peace, but you have to be willing to walk with me.  I know some days 5 doors down seems like lifetimes away but as mark always says we are closer than we think.  You had to pretend them, pretend that you were fine that you weren't hurt.  We don't have to pretend today.  It's ok that we aren't ok.  It's ok that our heart feels broken and that shards sometimes piece our heart that is barely beating.  I am going to keep saying it until I believe it, we are more than what has happened, and we don't have to pretend anymore.  We might break a little we might break a lot but we are not in this alone this time.  You will never be alone again.  That is one thing that I can promise.  We have to do this together, because there are good things waiting for us we just have to be willing to try. 

I heart your heart.