This is always on my heart when April first comes around. And there is always the thoughts do I even mention it, are people going to care. Am I going to sound like a broken record. This year there is a pull, because I have a right to use my voice. Because this year things seem different, I presented to interns. I going to be a speaker at a trauma conference in July. I am going to grad school. I am still healing and still hopeful. I was once told that all I posted about was whales, kids, abuse and advocacy. I was crushed, for a time i let that be the voice in my head. Today I look back and think, I am sorry that the things that are most important to me upset what you "THINK" I should share. I post about the things that are most important to me, and Sexual Assault Awareness Month is something that will forever and always be something that is important to me. I know it's hard, its often uncomfortable. The fact remains that sexual assault happens more often than you could imagine. It affects those that you are close to, that you work with, people that you pass on the street. We are your mothers, fathers, friends, and teachers.
There was a day when I believed that if I just worked hard enough, if I just ignored and pretended that I wasn't affected in anyway by the things that have happened to me, then maybe Just maybe my past would somehow magically disappear. Well turning 48 this month, I can tell you the past doesn't just go away. And there are still days that it hurts my heart like it happened yesterday. I work really hard every single day to continue to heal my own heart and soul. There has always been a part of me that shared because I never want anyone to have to experience the same things that I have. I have always wanted to make sure that others had the things that I never got. Support, love and kindness. I never got the support and caring that I needed, so I make sure that I give that to others so that they are able to start their own healing journey.
I first shared part of my story when I was a part of the documentary, OFF THE RECORD. I felt more loved and supported than I have ever felt in my life. Those people are forever's. They saw me, they listened to me those are things that many survivors don't get. Recently I shared my story with a group of interns, and I felt like for the first time in a very long time I was able to leave that experience with my head held high. One of the participants came up to me afterwards and said that she would carry me with her always as she helps her clients. That. That is why I share. That is my why, For once I was proud of myself for surviving, I have worked so hard to get there. This summer I am going to be part of a trauma conference with professionals in each field; Medical, educational, counselors, law enforcement, church officials! I am going to share my story and the impact that each field had on my life good and bad. That is huge there are so many things that I want to say to each and every one of them. This is going to be a way to stand proud in all the things that have happened to me with the hope that in some way it will help others.
I think for some survivors of trauma, they want to heal and just move on. For some they want to pretend that nothing ever happened and just live their life. Some will suffer in silence because they are so very afraid. For others they have to use their story. For some they have this intense desire to make their story mean something in order to help others. That would be me. I cannot change my story or make it any different. I will never forget; it has made me the woman I am today. It still hurts, and there are days it still makes me cry. I am one of those people that my story will always be something that I want to talk about to help others heal. I will always share my story so that no one has to suffer in silence. My story is a part of who I am and I won't hide that part of me away to make others comfortable. I am continuing and learning about my own healing all the time and I hope in that I will be able to help others.
This year, this month, I am on a new journey, standing in the things that have happened to me owning them yet not letting them control me. I share to bring an awareness that its possible to do things different. Sexual Assault is not something that should be hidden and ignored. It should be talked about and validated. We celebrate so many other types of survivors, yet sexual assault survivors are taught to suffer in silence. I will not let that happen. So, if anyone even reads this, I hope that it makes you think. I hope that maybe it opens your mind, heart and eyes. I hope that you have some realizations, and it makes you think. I hope that you become more aware and know the power that you have to help those around you.
Here is to a month of Change, a month of awareness and a month to celebrate those that know just how devastating that this crime can be.
I heart your heart.
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