This is a piece of my story that lays mostly hidden from the world, often from even myself. I keep it there because it's terrifying. I keep it there because when I let it out, my entire body goes back to that time, and the entire world stops. There is not an ounce of oxygen to breathe, and it feels like my insides are what would be the aftermath of an Ef 5 tornado. Total destruction, and there is nothing left standing including myself. I want nothing to do with the thoughts in my head, the violence, the hurt the pain the suffering is too much for a single person to carry. I think that somewhere in my mind there are just things that should not be talked about and this is one of those things. It's soul crushing really that a person could do the things that were done to a young girl. I don't understand how that is even a thought in someone's mind really, I don't understand where those thoughts came from.
I don't remember the gun at the beginning of the day at all. I feel like it was much later in the day when there wasn't much left of me that I first saw the gun. I can remember thinking, Oh my god they are going to kill me, and my brain couldn't comprehend the how's and the why's of the moment. First it was to try and think of an escape. Second was the mess that they created. Eventually I didn't care, I just wanted them to kill me. I thought of my parents coming home finding me naked and that was devastating. I thought of the mess that would be left behind and that wasn't ok. There was even a thought of being grateful because I couldn't imagine having to face another human ever after what they had done to me that day. I was already destroyed as a person there was no need to bring a gun into the situation. It was like they were trying to get a reaction because, because I was pretty far gone. I can say that I was mostly far far away. I do remember them waving it around and laughing. They were so loud and obnoxious. I just wanted them to hurry and do whatever they were going to do. There were more turns, they would lay it beside me. Some at my face some holding me down some hurting me. Men were everywhere, there was no escape, and everything hurt. I was all too aware of where the gun was. Then Don turned me on my stomach, and I remember feeling the gun on my neck. I closed my eyes thinking this was the last moment of my life. He called me names, told me I had to tell him that I wanted him, that I liked it; All while he held the gun at my neck and raped me. I remember the cold; I remember him pushing it in my skin. There was so much going on, I was trying to do what he said and begging him to stop and waiting for him to pull the trigger so it would all be over. More turns more being very far away. Their cackling and laughing, cheering each other on. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I didn't understand all that was happening and just wanted it all over. He turned me over on my back again and he used the gun on me, he raped me with the gun. The pain was unbelievable, I sobbed. It's terrible but I imagined my insides all over, bits and parts of me everywhere. I wasn't even a person to them. I wasn't human I was just something to hurt and humiliate. I think it was after that; that they all took their turns with me in my brother's room. It was getting later in the day, there was less light, I couldn't understand what they were waiting for. After some time, I didn't even have any more thoughts. I was so hurt, there were marks all over me and I didn't know what else that there was for them to do to me. There was a lot of blackness that day and pieces that I can't put together. Some things are so very vivid, and others are just darkness. I was grateful for the dark, grateful for the things that I don't remember. There is enough that I have to deal with. There are things I can never unsee, never unexperience. There are parts of that day I was just an observer, in a safe place far away where I couldn't feel the humiliation or pain.
I sit here and hours have passed I have written deleted and written again. There is no way to give a clear picture of all the things that happened that day. Things were lost that I can never get back. There are pictures in my head that I am sure will still haunt me sometimes. I remember and I can't believe that I am still alive, I cannot believe that she survived this day and the monsters that they were. There is a lot to work through. Even writing this I can't get warm and its 75 degrees outside. There is a lot to work through. It still all terrifies me, I wake up from nightmares and it feels as real as it did all those years ago. I have to do this one little piece at a time. It weighs on me and I carry it daily. I can't imagine how light and free I will feel when i can finally stop trying to figure things out and just lay it down. I know that there will be no answers for some of my questions. I have to focus on the girl that I was and the terror that I felt. I have a headache as big as mount St. Helens and I just want to get warm. I see all the pictures and feel nothing, that in itself is more than frustrating. Someday I will be ok, and this too will be in smaller pieces that I can manage. But right now its bigger than I can comprehend, and it hurts my heart. She was just a little girl and she didn't have a chance that day. 5 men me and a gun.
I heart your heart.
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