Everything Hurts

 

There are times I am just overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with the things on my plate today.  Overwhelmed by the things that I have lived through, I am overwhelmed that its Easter weekend and my birthday next week, and I hate my birthday more than you can imagine. I am overwhelmed with all the things, and I am alone.  Today was the first day ever that I cried in the baby section.  A friend that I used to work with is having a baby and her shower is tomorrow, and I just stood there looking at all the little baby things and started crying.  She would be 35, and there is no telling how different that my life would be.  I miss her more than you can imagine, and sometimes it just really hurts. I don't have her little footprint or blanket. I have nothing. Today everything hurts.   It's a little bit of everything and still nothing at all. 

Today I found out that one of my favorites, won't be able to make my teacher of the year celebration.  Once again it will be just the kids and I.  I wish someone could be there just for me.  And I am sure it is just this overwhelming day, but its a reminder that i don't have a person.  I don't want to do it in the first place, there is too much attention to much being out in front and people just don't understand that. I want it over more than anything.

It's Easter weekend,  so many people know its just me there will be no invitations, there will be no invites, there will be nothing.  The kids will be working and I will be home alone.  I am kind of done of doing things alone.  

I put in a transfer at work and now have to share my resume and find another school that I hope will be a good fit for me.  But goodness change is more than hard, and I feel like there are so many things changing all the time for me and its hard.  And I am exhausted. 

I am trying to lean into sweet 13-year -old and its the hardest thing I have ever done. I think that there are a lot of realizations and a lot of things that I am trying to piece together and each piece I find stings a little more, and cuts even deeper.   After my meltdown this morning in the store I have been on the verge of tears all day.  

There is little sleep and when I do, the nightmares are awful.  I just want to sleep peaceful maybe a few times a week.  I really wish that MDMA therapy, was something that was an option I feel like that would somehow help me through, the 13-year old me that lives in a state of terror all the time.  I think I have it bad with the memories, I feel like she lives there, I don't think she is in the dark anymore, but she lives that dark every minute of every day.  

I am really trying to change the things that are going on in my head but really, I seem to be the common denominator, and I am all alone.  I need someone, I need someone that I can call my own that is there for me on all my days even ones like this when I just want to be safe and sound.  

I got an email about my interview for the master's program.  Once again, I cried when I got it.  April 24th at 8:15. I think am I ready? Am I smart enough? I feel so stupid all the time. I really want this, and I am terrified.  I am terrified that they are going to tell me no.  I'm terrified that they are also going to reject me, and I am not sure that I am ready for that. Maybe this thing that I want so badly just isn't right for me.

I am just not ok right now, I am breathing doing all the things that are necessary. I smile but all I really want to do is cry.  I am great at faking things, but I wonder how long that a person can keep this pace.  I feel more than needy, and there is a part of me that would love to quit, because sometimes there just isn't any fight left. 

I heart your heart.