I Am Right In the Middle Of The Terror

 

I have not been in this place in a long time.  I feel like i am in the middle of a Tornado of everything 13 year-old is spinning and churning and all I want to do is hide away.  It's in my brain as clear as I see the keys on the computer.  It's in my brain like the movie that you just watched on TV.  It's all there on repeat and I don't know what to do.  I want to crawl in a hole, hide in my closet or some kind of steel bunker where the memories and pictures are unable to reach me.  I am so cold and so achy; it was 35 years ago, and I feel like it just happened.  I have the biggest headache and I don't want to go anywhere it's on replay  in every fiber of my being and I don't have clear words to tell you what that is like. 

I am cleaning and fixing and cleaning some more and it isn't getting any better. I feel the anxiety over stupid little things.  When one small thing isn't in place, I feel like a volcano on the verge of an explosion.  My heart is weary, and just needs a soft place to fall.

Work is terrible,  the most triggered that I have been in a long time.  My little guy makes blocks of guns and makes sure that you know he is aiming for you.  He throws things at you, and says things like I am going to kick you, I am going to hurt you with no regard for anyone at all.  I cry daily and there is little if any support. My things are getting ruined and broken and I don't even know what to do anymore.  There are rude comments from others, and its exhausting.  

There are reminders and memories everywhere, and I still keep going keep working keep doing all the things that I have to do all the while my heart feels like its being drowned.  So many things are parallel to the things that have happened, and my brain can't even do all of the things that need to get done.  I am at a loss. I want to be safe, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I am tired of being so afraid, and on edge. I am tired of my brain that believes, all those past things are still something to be terrified of.  I am so afraid, so tired and so very sad.  Someday this has to get better, someday I mean now because I really need a breather. 

I heart your heart.