She doesn't have words. That is a huge realization. because as long as i can remember i have been fighting for her words. I want her to be able to speak, I want her to be able to say the things that only she can. I have wanted her to speak to prove that those things happened so people would believe her. But goodness she literally doesn't have any. She was 13 and there were no words to describe the things that happened to her. She didn't understand all that was happening, all that was done. Of course there was a knowing, but things were so violent, things were so evil that she was unable to comprehend so much of what went on. I think to the beginning of my healing, and I used to just call it all gross and disgusting. Like of course i did because we were unable to give words to the hell that we survived. I used that for a long time, because even i was unable to speak any words even close to the things that had happened to me. I have spoken more about sweet 13-year-old in the last few weeks than I ever have. I do not hate her anymore; I love her, and I love that she was strong enough to keep me alive.
I struggle with the things that I can't answer. The questions that are asked, things that I should know that i have no memory or recollection of at all. I cannot tell you how hard that is. Somewhere in my head if I could just answer those questions and explain everything then I would be believed, I would be valued and And I think that maybe she is the key to that and maybe in time. Mark asks how I knew that I was pregnant and i think surely i had to take a test right? I mean missed periods; I can remember Calvin asking me questions. And those questions made me think he got a test, but I don't know. I just don't know. There are so many questions, the who what where that are blank. If it was anyone, I think it would be Calvin, he is the only one that gave a shit about me at all. I don't know a single thing for sure. There are so few things about that time that I can remember. The guilt that I feel about that is huge, I should know what happened to me and my body but no matter how hard I try there are pieces that I don't have. Being pregnant with Bella gave me Hope. I lived in a fairy tale world that everything was going to be perfect. I can remember having Calvin feel her move, and being so excited that I was going to be a mom. I knew i was pregnant because of what happened to me, but there was a separation that I am not sure that I can explain. When you have always wanted to be a mom, she was the only thing that mattered. So to survive I focused on her, and almost nothing else. There are so many things that just don't make sense, and I can't explain them. When I was losing her, I remember that there was so much blood, and the pain that I was in was so intense. I knew that something was very wrong. I remember the bright red on my clothes, and Calvin picking me up. I can remember seeing my head, falling back. But I was watching it all not even there and present. The next thing that I remember was the doctor, petting my knee and telling me that I lost her. I remember telling him no that I was fine, I remember crying, I remember arguing with him and screaming, begging him to tell me she was fine. Those are the only moments that i remember. The only ones and all the other pieces are held in 13-year-old Callahan or some place so deep and dark that I will never ever reach them. Later as an Adult I can remember talking to Dr Flowers and I asked her about it, I told her the things i remembered, she said it sounded like probably around 20 weeks, but that was just with the few things that I remembered. They would have had to have done a procedure, I don't know or remember anything. I even looked it up online it depends, it's a miscarriage before 20 weeks, after that is a still born. Some moms deliver their babies when they are that far along. What happened to me ? What was done? Why was nothing ever acknowledged!!! My parents would have had to sign consent I don't remember and never remember them being there. I remember people standing around, they were just people, blank faces I don't know who they were. There are things that would have had to happen and yet I can't tell you. I would have needed medical care and yet I CAN NOT tell you, and that kills me. There is a part of me that says see , she is lying and just wants attention. How does a person not remember things that are that big.
Today it is such a struggle, because there are pieces that I wish I could answer that I wish I knew that I understood. I am working so very hard right now, and for this I could work forever and ever and I am not sure there would be any more pieces of this for me. This is heartbreaking for that sweet innocent 13-year-old girl. For me I want to have a clear picture, I want it to make sense, not what others did but what happened to me.
I feel like her entire 13th year is playing in my head all the time, trying to figure things out and there are no answers, no solutions just a heartache that is so deep. Don is in my brain all the time. Showers are extremely difficult, brushing my teeth is almost impossible, I just want to curl up and try to get warm.
I was thinking back looking for anything to give me answers and i remember when i had to have my surgery for Endometriosis. I remember the guy coming to talk to me and him looking over my chart and saying something about a miscarriage. I looked at my mom, she looked like a deer in headlights, and me I said no , and looked at my mom he got the point, and gave me the medicine and wheeled me back for surgery. But that look on her face, it was like she wasn't surprised, it was a look like how you know that. The entire interaction was more than strange. I remember crying as they wheeled me into the operating room, I think my heart was broken.
I think back to all of these things and of course she has been in hiding, she is terrified and has no idea of what words to use because none of them could even possibly come close to the things that she had to endure. Of coarse she doesn't have words, of course you don't sweet girl and that is not a bad thing. I am catching up and coming to understand, you don't have those words and maybe just maybe that is going to have to be ok.
I heart your heart.
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