3:30 AM is the worst

 

This must be the witching hour.  I can almost guarantee when my body aches and I wake up in a panic its around 3:30 am.  I am so done with the nightmares, I am past exhausted, I have to fight the memories and the things that have happened to me ALL. THE. TIME. Whether I am awake or sleeping, I see so many things as clear as I did when they happened.  It just gets old.  Don't get me wrong there are a few nights here and there, when there are no nightmares, but I will wake up feeling like i got hit by a mack truck. There are days that the memories are not on repeat.  But sometimes the smallest thing will literally throw me right back in the middle of awful. I feel like i am realizing new things all the time.  I was never safe anywhere not even in my own bed.  There are literally things everywhere that are reminders.  I am not sure that there is one thing that is not affected in my life.  Not a single one.  How insane is that!  I am sure its been worse lately because I feel like there have been many new realizations, all good all hard all moving me towards healing but still so very hard. My job isn't making things any easier.  I have two students that are violent, often and I know that they are little, but it breaks my heart and brings many memories.

After all of this time, I still struggle for peace.  I am not saying that I haven't found any.  I am saying that it is still astounding to me that after all this time I am so affected. The things have such huge consequences for me.  The other day in class, A student slapped my chest, and for a second the world went black, all I see is Don doing the same thing.  Another student was throwing shoes and it hit the back of my neck, and I froze as if, its Don holding a gun at my neck.  I know its my students and things could not be any different but there are parts of my brain back there during that time.  I think that is the pat that is trying to figure things out as I sleep.  

I know that I am working so very hard, I know that I have come a long way.  I think it just gets frustrating when more than anything I don't want the memories to haunt me anymore.