Am I ready yet ?

 Since applying for grad school, there have been so many moments, where I think what in the hell am I doing?? Is this the right time.  Am I doing this to fix myself.  Will I be good at helping others, am I too emotional?  There are so many things that I question.  And at the same time there are so many things that tells me this is exactly the right time.  I see 11:11 all the time, I hear songs I am getting so many things that are telling me to take the chance and go for it.  Still, I am more than afraid.  Maybe i am afraid to succeed, maybe I am afraid to truly do this and really make a difference. I know that I can't keep doing what I am doing and getting so frustrated that there is so much wrong with our education system.  I understand rules and procedures, but I do not understand red tape and jumping through hoops to get to the same outcome. I do not understand a system that keeps adding and adding to a teacher's plate and offers no help or support.  That is a problem.  

I want to help others; I want my own story to mean something. I think I have wanted that for so long, and even more so lately.  I want my story to see all the light that is possible so that it never holds me back again. I think that I am a natural worrier, it comes easy.  What if I am not made for grad school, what if I am not smart enough, what if I am not a good fit for this profession.  There are so many things.  I really used to love my job, but its changed and not for the better, I cannot do my job alone and that is what I am being asked to do. I think I am far enough in my own healing to help others through theirs.  There are still things that I have to overcome, there are still pieces of me that that haven't moved on.  There are parts of me that are frozen and afraid.  There are times i still cannot say the R word.  How stupid is that.  I can say it when its far away but not when its close and personal.  I don't want to do more harm than good.  I never saw myself working with adults before.  It was always about little ones, and in the next chapter, I have thought more and more and its adults, its women.  So many different things.  I just want to be sure that I am ready that I will be able to help.  I want to know that I am doing the right thing.  I want to know that I am not doing this as a way to heal myself but to help others in their stories heal their pain and live a happy full life,