Someday I will

 

Someday

Someday I will stand with my story and not feel ashamed.

A day when I can be proud that I survived.

Someday I won't worry about the words.

I don't want to Make anyone uncomfortable.

I fear the words will be seen as an embellishment or a lie.

Someday I want my story to be less about pieces and about the me that survived.

I still have so many of the things that people have said to me stuck in my head.

And with out a thought, I believe them 

I am a liar, I want attention, I wish I understood why that is the first thing people said

I was reaching out because I couldn't carry what I was alone,

I wanted to be hugged and told that I wasn't so awful.  I want someone to step up so that 

I didn't have to take care of everything. 

I needed someone to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay.

All I got were the messages that I was at fault, 

I wasn't worth being cared for and protected.

Someday

Someday I just want to stand and say the things that happened to me 

with no filter no fear just brutal honesty, just to get the pictures out of my head.

I just want to be able to let the pictures out, they are frozen in my mind on repeat constantly trying to find a home a place where they belong where they have no power or control over me 

 figure them out, find meaning and make them different.

Maybe if I could change the pictures if I could find fault somewhere else

 then I would be held and cared for.

Maybe if I could give all the pictures words, I could be free, 

Maybe not, but something has to make the pictures in my head less heavy.

They are just so incredibly debilitating. 

Even some moments of happy there are pieces of my shame

staring pointing fingers, telling me that I don't deserve to be happy

they replay millions of times and each time I still try to figure out what I could have done differently. 

But to be free from them,  oh that feeling of being free 

I want that feeling that I am more than the things that have happened to me 

More than their hands and all the words

I want to be more than all of the things that have hurt my heart and slashed me soul

I don't want to be afraid of the words that are carried on my heart and soul.

I don't want to be afraid that they are what they are.

I think that sometimes I try to make them pretty and presentable.

Make them less serious, I still struggle with the words all the time

because some things aren't meant to be said.

I say hurt, because if I gave you real words; 

you would be socked at what I survived.

If I say the real words I have to acknowledge the bigness of what happened to me

No they aren't meant to be said, they should never have to be said 

but I just can't carry them anymore, they are keeping me stuck 

that feels so very selfish, I should be fine 

after all this time

But my heart still hurts and the pictures are oh so vivid.

Someday it will be different. 

Someday I will. 

I heart your heart.