I'll be here as long as you need me

 I think for a person like me, I am no longer surprised by people leaving Me.  I have learned to do life mostly on my own.  Hearing the words, I'll be here as long as you need me, mean more than a person could ever humanly imagine. These are the words that a person like me that has been bruised and battered their entire lives long to hear.  In a world full of leaving, he stays.   I was reading a book today, and in the last chapter that was the line. And the tears just started. I can remember awhile back being afraid that I was going to need someone forever.  And with the kindest voice, the kindest eyes, he said I will be here as long as you need me.  And for once in my life, I think I believed it.  My entire life no one has stuck around.  There have been a few really important people, most of them don't stick around and things get ugly.  I am left, and they move on and for me I take that to mean that I am just as unimportant as could be.  People in my life leave all the time.  People leave and never look back.  I always have favorites, but I am never anyone's favorite.   It's a fact of life that people don't stay around for me. I think there is a part of me that holds on to that.  It's easier thinking that someone will leave you, then when they do there is no disappointment. Because the pain of holding onto important people and being left just reinforces everything that I have learned in this life.  But his words, I'll be here as long as you need me.  Those are words that I carry forever, and for once I think I can truly believe them.  I think there will come a day, when I can say goodbye to him as a counselor, but things will change and he will become my friend, as I move into my next phase of my life using my story helping others.  Maybe it won't maybe I am just wishful thinking, but I can tell you that I will carry him with me forever.  I can tell you that I would not be where I am without him.  I can tell you that this man saved my life when my heart was literally breaking.  He went above and beyond for me and continues to this day.  I can remember the day that he said how about we make you a permanent time.  And I think for the first time in a long time my heart smiled. He made space and it meant the world to me. I will never forget that first session and at the end he asked if he could give me a hug, and I said yes, and felt so safe. It had been so long since I just had a safe warm hug. I couldn't tell you the last time that I had gotten a genuine hug.  And each time since I get a hug when I walk in and a hug when I walk out.  Those hugs mean the most.  There are hard sessions, and I forget if I got a hug, but I know I always do.  Sometimes I feel so strong and think of that moment that I don't need him, and I feel proud and excited, other days I picture us both older and me still seeing him.  Still needing his reassurance that I am not so awful. Either way I know that its ok, I will get there.  I have come a long way.  I am starting new chapters and learning to lean into the light, I am growing into who I am, and what I want to be.  There are times I still worry about being a bother and a pest and yet, he still smiles and is ever so welcoming. I think everyone needs a person like this in their life, and I am more than lucky that of all the people in the world and after so many failed attempts I found my forever. I feel like the luckiest person in the world.  I know that he is always on my side.  I am not sure if you are supposed to love a counselor.  But I do.  I love him with my whole heart and am beyond grateful.  As I start this next phase of my journey, I hope that I can be there as long as someone needs me.

Peace MH

I heart your heart