Still a prisoner

 

Today I went outside, and it felt like I was that little kid back in the park on that perfect day.  On days like this I realize that I am still a prisoner to all the things that have happened to me. I try to shake it off, but I can't. I remember the breeze in the trees, the sun shining through. Those big billowy clouds. That red van. His big boots. So many memories I wish there was a way to forever and always forget. Like I don't know what else there is for me to do. I feel like I have talked the life out of it, I have cried oceans. I know it wasn't her fault. I know she was just a little girl. I am an almost 48-year-old woman, and it still tears at my heart like it was yesterday.  I want to curl up in a ball and just make it go away. It isn't fair that all this time later it still feels like it's happening. Am I ever going to totally let it go. It's not even about the tadpoles anymore, that sweet little me didn't have a chance and when this happens, I feel so frozen. I feel like I am frozen in the memories and nothing I do makes a difference. I feel more than alone and even after all of the work that I have done, it still breaks my heart. There are so many good things today.  I am not that scared little girl, I am not trapped and yet all of those feelings are still there and making themselves known.  I can understand having moments every now and then and being able to breathe and know that things are ok.  But on days like today I just want to scream, I don't want to see the pictures in my head, I don't want to see those things, I don't want to feel them, and I don't want to feel like I am that scared little girl anymore.  I am an adult I have my own home I have two children and so many good things yet days like this run me into the ground and I just wish that there was someone I could call just to tell me that I am not crazy.  It just feels like I am alone in this, and I don't want to be alone.  I just applied for grad school and on days like this I think; Who am I kidding?  How can I help anyone when I can't even stop replaying pictures from over 40 years ago!!!  Sometimes this life of mine is unimaginable.  On one hand I am this competent independent woman. 

On the other hand, I am this frozen tired girl who can't let go of the memories, who feels frozen in her own story.  How can those two worlds be happening at the same time.  I have come to understand there are going to be moments because I can never ever make what happened different or less violent but days when the memories knock the life out of me, and I can do nothing but sit on the couch and try to keep breathing.  I don't want this to be how my life is.  I don't want this to be something that I have to accept, there has to be something different.  There has to be a way for me to be ok.  There has to be a way for me to live a better life despite all the things that have happened. It s better don't get me wrong. But days like today are just exceptionally painful.  It is one of those things, the smallest trigger and I am out for the day.  Today was that day, I have to hope that tomorrow will be better, my body less achy and less memories.  I need a breather tomorrow and some truly restful rest.