There are no right words

 

The closer that I try to get, the more terrible that the nightmares become. The more that I want her near the more that my body feels, the things that happened to her. And there is a part of me that struggles because for a lot of the day things were just darkness.  How can I feel something when all i remember is blackness. I want her close, I want to understand her and hug her and keep her safe and she is still more than afraid.  She can't open her eyes because she can't imagine the things that she might see.  She is afraid that she will open her eyes and see even worse things than the monsters in her mind.  I am not sure that she trusts me or anyone else yet. There is so much more in the world than trying to figure out the evil that was done to her.  She spends her time looking for something anything to make sense out of things that there is no sense in. I will watch every show on the topic looking for some kind of words that will somehow make everything feel ok. I want to find those right words that are going to give her peace and let her know that she isn't at fault.  I want to let her know that none of those things were ever supposed to happen to her.  I want her to know that she is so much more than the things they did to her and all that they took.  Sometimes I worry that she is too far gone.  I worry that maybe she has come as far as she can and that scares me.  What if I am not enough and she will never get to experience the same freedom as little Callahan.  She needs to let it all out, but the terror inside is infinite.  I worry that I am trying to pull her out of a place that she isn't ready to leave yet.  Right now, I want it more than she does.  I want her out and free.  I want to find my own happily ever after. I can't do that with out her. Sometimes I am angry that it has taken her so long. She isn't ready for care or comfort, but She feels so separate, and I want her to feel like a part of me.  There is just a sad because sometimes in trying to help her and trying to heal I feel like i hit a brick wall. She feels defeated, totally defeated. I do not think she believes that she has any worth or value at all.  I am not sure how to let her know and understand how strong that she has been her entire life. it's more than difficult to know that as much as a part of you that she is she feels like something that is so far away and so very different.  

I heart your heart