Anger ? Who me ?

 Just not good with anger. If I let it out there is a fear that a beast will be unleashed and there will be no taming him.  I am pretty sure I could go my entire life without getting angry for me.  I can easily get angry for others.  It was anger that helped me press charges on my father, I was not going to let another little girl be hurt.  I can be angry when my students are not cared for.  I can get angry, for others and for the many injustices in the world as long as I am not in the equation.  When it comes to being angry for the life i have lived, I am more than ready and willing to point the finger at myself and be angry at all the things I should have done different. I avoid anger at any cost, let's be honest.  When a person believes that everything is their fault being angry at who you are becomes something like a second skin.  

When I even think about anger it almost always goes straight to sad.  Sad is easy, sad is something that you can do quietly and alone.  Sad is easier to hide then anger.  Anger is the loud, obnoxious feeling that makes me feel like my head is going to spin and objects will go flying.  I fear that if I feel the anger, it will be almost catastrophic. It is dangerous for me and everyone around me. There is a fear that somehow, I just might implode if I were to really feel the anger about all the things that have happened to me.  Anger is one of those things that if I let it out in my house, there would have been hell to pay.  My father was the only person that could ever be angry.  He was the only person that could show anger, or any emotion really and I always knew that. I can remember truly being angry a few times and I can literally remember being afraid for my life.  If he saw me angry I would have to pay for it.

So to be angry for me and the things that have happened. its there; it has to be.  All that happened to me wasn't ok.  So many people should have stood up for me.  So many people should have done something and taken care of me and no one ever did.  That makes me angry.  It makes me angry that no one cared enough to do the hard thing. It makes me angry that I never meant enough to people for them to care that I was being hurt. No one cared that I was abused and alone. They were all worried about saving their own ass. At the same time, I am very quick to point out that I should have done things different.  And at the same time, I think, I could have screamed naked from the rooftops showing all the hurt, showing the bruises and they, all would have found some way to say that I was lying.  I sometimes think I should have said something, done something to make things stop.  And I think to the teacher, Mrs.Mcdermott who found a note and she did nothing.  I was screaming for someone to notice and do something. There were things I did begging for someone to help me. There were times I did things begging for someone to ask if I was ok. There were the scratches all over my arms.  My legs covered with bruises that I did to myself at night.  There were things, I did try and reach out I just got no response.  I did try and reach out, but no one was able to hear me.  

I hate my father for what he did I hate my mom for telling me to just do what I was told. She was such a bigger part than I ever imagined. I was always being told it's ok, just tell him what he wants to hear. He wouldn't want to make him angry or upset in any way Everything was always ok, only it wasn't. The motto in my house was just make him happy. That is no way for a family to live. Never ever in my brain was there a thought that people were not supposed to hurt me.  I think about that today and that makes me angry.  No matter what anyone did or what they wanted, there was never an option to say stop your hurting me, don't do that.  The first time that I remember abuses there was never a thought to tell someone and get help. There was never a thought that those things were not supposed to be happening. The first thought always in my head was this is just what happens to me.  Sex at 5 was normal.  That is crazy, as a child there was never a thought of safety. My world consisted of having to do what everyone else wanted and I didn't have a say.  I am kind of blown away, that I ever became my own person.  At the same time it was little Callahan, it was me at 13 it was all of who I am today that allowed me to become my own person that literally saved me.  

There are oh so many things to be angry about, and I think I fear that the loneliness of right now will get even lonelier if I feel it acknowledge it and really really look at it.  I think another part of that is seeing anger as being Violent.  I know that my father was always angry.  I think that all of us were targets of his anger in the house, but I was who he took it out on.  He was angry at me no matter what I did. He was angry where I put my plate, angry that I took my mother's attention, angry that I couldn't do what he wanted in bed.  I think that for me anger is violence and I want to be as far from that as possible.  

So many layers to figuring this out.  I think that maybe there is a part of me that thinks things will get violent if I actually acknowledge all the anger that I do.  Which is crazy, because I am the only person, I ever take my anger out on.  By the time I got to 13, anger wasn't really an option.  The things that happened were just things that had been done before.  I think I often got upset that I couldn't just forget, or when things hurt the worst because somewhere in my head, I had to believe that all the things that happened to me were just a part of life.  I was meant to be used.  I was meant for sex. I was just meant to be hurt. I was meant to do what I was told at any cost.

 With the work that I have been doing lately there are so many revelations and things that I am looking at from a totally different perspective.  Things in my life should have been a lot different than what they were. So many people could have changed things, if one person cared, if they made me feel worthy, they could have prevented terrible things from happening to me. Not one person ever said that they were sorry or that those things were never supposed to happen to me. I was never worth anyone's time or attention for anything. I was a bother, a pest and usually someone who just got in the way. So I became an observer of all the things that I knew I never wanted to be, and that has made me the person that I am today. So yes, I am so angry at those things, but anger hurts you. Somehow someway, there is healing in the tears of the sad. Lots to think about still, such a journey.  Someday I will look back and think WOW Callahan, you made it despite all of them that doubted you and made you feel worthless. Someday. 

I heart your heart .