Belonging

 

There are so many things to say and it more than breaks my heart.  Sometimes there are so many things so hurtful and not one person cares, or even notices for that matter.  Not one person realizes the pain that they have caused.  Even if they did I am not sure that it would make a difference.  

For a time, I belonged to a group of women, I thought I belonged.  For a time until I started asked questions, until I started to stand up for myself.  Then all bets were off, and I became the outsider.  This group of women has caused me more heartache than I ever deserved and not once did anyone choose me.  I really don't know why it hurts so much, because I don't want to be a part of them.  I don't want to be a part of something that is hurtful and unkind.  These are women that I have nothing in common with, but for a time I fit with them. It still hurts, because my heart has been more than hurt by those women and not one of them cares. Maybe it's not that I am missing being a part of them it is the fact that I was not chosen, my heart was not heard.  I think that is the problem.  

These are women that have bruised my heart, with their words and actions.  One of them has said, well you can't be everyone's friend.  And I still hear those words and think, I should have taken them more seriously.  I should have known; I should have seen but I didn't. I am a person that notices the smallest things and there were many small things that told me I wasn't a part.   One of them was a woman that I used to live with, when I could no longer live with my mother.  Everyone always asked and checked on her.  Not once did anyone ask if I was ok.  Not once did someone care if things were ok for me.  I was working full time taking care of my own children and expected to take care of hers at all times.  She always said to ask for help when I needed it, and the second that I did I was asked to leave.  She started dating and that was fine, things got more and more uncomfortable. Different men around all the time, and for me I was always on high alert. They would be hanging around on the couch, I understand it was her house.  There was a sense of disregard, I didn't matter anymore.  There were lots of late nights, and I was asked to care for her son.  Respect went one way; I was expected to be at her Becking call.  Towards the end, the leaf was even taken out of the dining room table, there was nowhere for us to sit and eat.  Many many nights those last few weeks, I would grab take out or get something at the grocery store and we would eat in the car.  Yet I was the bad guy, her the hero and no one ever asked about me and my experience. Even after we moved out one of the women had the nerve to make excuses for the other, never once asking about my experience.  Either way she was chosen, and I was not. There are stories with each of these women that have cut deeper than deep.  I helped one woman unpack and fix her house, none of them reaching out to check on my heart to see if I was ok and finally finally I am done. 

I have severed the last string that I have held on to for dear life.  I just don't matter to them, there is no real relationship.  I am not their people and I deserve better. So, I am done.  I will never have to see their pictures, experience the fake words or things done out of habit. I will never have to experience the words about how great things are and how special they are.  I am worth more than what I was given, and I am ok with that. I am sure it may sting for some time, because they were really important to me, but the feeling has to go both ways.  So it is done.  I am not sharing the good things in my life that they don't deserve to be a part of.  I want what is real and true, I want relationships where there is give and take.  I want friends that can take my tears and my joys.  I want friends that support where I am today. So for a season they were everything and I won't live that anymore.  

I heart your heart.