Memories

Memories are a strange thing.  I have always remembered, there have been gaps but for the most part I remembered everything.  I remember the smallest details sometimes, and I hate it. I guess in all my processing there were gaps pieces that I couldn't get to fit pieces that didn't make sense to me. I have gotten more than angry at myself because I didn't have those pieces. I was told my entire life I was lying, and to me if I didn't have those pieces then all those people were somehow right. 

So last week when I connected the dots about a memory, I was not at all prepared. I had pieces of the memory, somewhere I knew that my father was a bigger monster, things told me there were things that happened when I was younger, but I didn't have that concrete memory, and now I do. I have it and I am heartbroken. I have it, I can see it and I am crushed. I'm just so little. It was before we even moved to Texas, which would have made me 4. I can remember finding a picture of me still a baby maybe around 1 and I am naked sitting on his bare chest, and it made my skin crawl. It felt wrong and thought, that isn't what a father does. That isn't a warm picture that brings back fond loving memories.  I knew things probably happened that I didn't have memories for and that was ok. For most things I just knew things, and if things had not happened before then I would not have known.  It's so hard to explain really.  My entire life things happened that were just an understood.  What I always thought was my first time, really wasn't and for me someone how in my brain the word that keeps coming up is liar like see!! And I am fighting it, because I just didn't remember, which my brain totally understands.  My heart is just struggling with all of it, every single piece. There is nothing that can be done, I just have to sit with it heavy until it finds a place where the pain isn't a constant.