The perfect Storm

 

It's like the last few days has created this perfect storm of memory.  Things coming together that I never imagined.  Pieces of this and that that I never knew were so personal.  Maybe I had the memory in parts just never as a complete piece.  Somehow, I got the piece, now I don't know what to do with it. I always remembered everything, and then this.  A perfect storm and it makes sense, But I don't want it to be my memory, I don't want it to be my memory. I want to forget it and just have the pieces and not the whole thing.  It doesn't change anything, but it does make some things make sense.   I am at a loss for words an unfuckingbelievable moment really, because I don't have any other words. I think more than anything it is a confirmation, that what you thought is a reality.

The last few days maybe more I seem to be stuck in my head replaying things wanting to find a different outcome, and I am more that frustrated. I found some of the court papers and I am finding it really difficult. I have come so far, and I know I am moving forward but it seems that at the same time I am trying to bring my past with me when I want to leave it as far behind as possible.  I am not sure how those two things can happen at the same time.  I find myself longing for people that were there for a time.  I find that I am remembering things, that are confusing. How after all this time is a memory going to come up, HOW?  Am I crazy after all this time.  It makes sense, but I don't want to remember anything else.  Things make sense and I don't want them to.  Is that why I was so upset when I found out that my father had her in the bathtub with him.  Is that why when I take a bath things go black?  So many things fit but I don't want to remember.  If there was some kind of a box to stick it back in and I can just remember what I do without any new memories?  I don't want to remember anything else.  I don't want to have to deal with it.  I remember enough.  I remember more than enough. I can hear the words now "What do you want?"  I want to not be raped in the bathtub.  I want to not be a victim.  I want to close my eyes and never ever see a single new memory of trauma ever again. 

OK yet a sad that is encompassing

Full but something is missing

So many feelings even  many more confusing thoughts

I can't get out of my own way

It's a feeling of alone, even when you have people

It's in replaying details and conversations trying to make them different

Its replaying events over and over, looking for what you needed

It's remembering and forgetting at the same time

It's a scene that I remember but never have before

It's seeing those pictures and not wanting it to be you, not wanting it to be real 

It's a questioning, because how do you forget that

Its an understanding, a feeling in your breathing body 

Pieces coming together, that you wish were never your pieces

How does a person explain a memory that they have never had before.  Suddenly all the pieces came together and there it was black and white clear as crystal and I would give anything to give it back make it go away and pretend that It didn't remember. I am not sure how it makes me feel, sad, angry, ashamed, hurt, it physically makes my body hurt and that is the worst part.

I can remember the burning.  The soap was burning, and he had me in his lap, in the bathtub, and the world starts to go black, and everything hurts. His hands on my hips, this wasn't the first time.  I can remember that burning feelings, and how the world started to slowly fade away because there was no way to comprehend what was happening.  Is remembering like this even a thing?  Surely, I could be wrong, right?  There was a blog about a woman talking about how the soap burnt as she was trying to wash herself and there was a very clear me too in my head!   I remember that feeling all the time.  Then taking a bath last night, and the blackness comes in, everything starts to fade away.  And the feeling his hands on my hips being in his lap in the tub.  That is why I was so devasted and so sure that he was hurting Angela because he had done the same to me.  I am not sure what to do with this really.  I want to forget it, it doesn't matter, there is no point in remembering this, there is no value to it and yet here I am feeling it in my bones and seeing it as it happened.  What does a person do, it's so much just another fact but it makes me more than angry and fits together.  

It makes sense as clear as I did the dishes yesterday.  How can that be?  I do not understand. I am not sure that I want to understand. I know why I forgot, it makes sense, but to remember today, I remember enough.   I have always said that there were things I didn't remember but they were not important I remembered enough.  

Then comes the shame well if you just remembered earlier maybe that would have been the key and they would have gone for felony charges.  The shame is huge, how dare he do that to me.  And I don't know what house that bathroom was in, I think it was before Texas that would have made me 4 years old.  No wonder my body hurt.  No wonder I always hated seeing him in the bathtub, and what a slap in the face when my mother would go in and sit with him while he took a bath. As I got older, he would not have been able to rape me in the bathtub, the way he was.  I was just small enough, for him to man handle me.  UNBELIEVABLE!   What a sick bastard does this to his own daughter.  Yea, I remember it all and I don't want to.  I don't know what to do with this. The sounds, the water, the pain, he didn't care.  

What a perfect storm thing coming together, how they did. I want to ignore and just pretend that I didn't remember, pretend that it never happened but doing that is what happened my whole life, NO I remember; I felt it, and I was hurt.  I will not pretend.  I will talk about it, and I will be ok.  

I heart your heart