A new day

 Hard to believe that it's 2024.  I have been a little quiet the last week or so.  So many thoughts and emotions.  I feel like it's a good place but a hard one.  Saying goodbye to things that don't work anymore and welcoming new things. I am setting new goals finding ways that are going to make my heart happy. Even in this moment I am finally sitting in my room that I call the library.  All my pictures all the things that make me happy and there is a peace. I have my favorite incense burning some old Sara Mclaughlin and the tears are streaming.   This room tells a story of a journey that has taken me so many years to achieve.   There was one of these things on Facebook, and the first 4 words that you find are your words for the year.  Mine were pretty awesome and made my heart smile. They were Miracles, Connection, Love and Breakthrough.  I have to say I like those.  In this new year I have to take care of myself.  I have to take care of myself.  Because I don't.  I have to make that terrifying Dr appointment and make sure that I am ok. All hard things and so necessary.

 

The last few days have been more than emotional.  I think that there are more reasons that I can explain, the last 2 weeks have been exceptionally hard and yet there is a sense that things are going to be ok.  My mom has been in my thoughts and there is an anger that I don't want to have.  I was fixing up the garage and I found my old yearbook and the picture of Calvin and what he wrote to me.  I found papers from my case that I never remember having.  It was hard because you think you have come a long way and then a wave of sadness.  Still a lot to process, then an email from Neil when I told him about the information that I found about my case, his words were everything and the tears just wouldn't stop, and are still falling.  Sometimes it feels like it was in another lifetime then sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday.  I think I was not strong, I was not brave and today I think how in the world did I do that on my own.  I did it on my own and that is everything brave and strong.  Things that are so very hard for me to accept and acknowledge as being a part of who I am. 

 

Mariska spent all day with me yesterday, helping me put away Christmas,  I was more than grateful and we got 90% of it done. All the trees all the Santa's all the festive lights all neatly wrapped and safe until next year.  It feels so good, getting my house back.  I think that I am coming to the realization that Christmas from now on is always going to be different.  I am changing the kids are changing and we have to do things to make them our own. I am throwing so much away that doesn't soothe my soul anymore.  My mother had so much clutter and clearing that out, and throwing away what isn't me has felt so good.   I think it's just a fact that when someone passes away at a particular season for good or bad, it changes the season and adjustments have to be made.  I am sure that not having family, and not being considered during the holidays is just a hard place to be. 

In this new year my life is about finding people that have a passion and that can see things outside the box and do things different.  I want to be around people that are deep thinking and compassionate.  I am a different person in this world because of what I have lived through; and survived and I need people that scared of that.  I need more people like Beth Ray who cares for me and holds my heart like nothing I have ever known.  She shows up for me, and is always there to say My girl I love you.  

I have to keep healing, I have to learn to truly live in my own skin, because most of the time I don't.  But it's more than time.  This next layer of healing is going to be hard. This next piece I feel holds a great deal of hard but necessary things and I have to be willing to go there. The girl that I was at 13 suffered well beyond what she should have, and she deserves all good things.  She deserves a place where she can rest, where she is safe and where there is an understanding, I can take care of things.  It is my job to keep her safe and that is something, she can forever count on.  I am more than grateful to have Mark with me on this journey and know that the day is coming closer, and closer when I will be strong enough on my own. He is also a forever and for that there are no words.  I think he will always have my heart, and that is something i can say about very few people.  

Classes start again soon and I am more than ready, I am taking 9 hours and am ready for my Saturdays to be filled with new things and new knowledge and questions.  All good things. 

For this 2024, I hope this year is kind, is amazing and I learn as many new things as possible.  I  am going to hold on to the first 4 words that I saw and believe in a few small Miracles for myself. 

I heart your heart