Merry Merry

I think that this season I am more in the feeling of the season that I have been in some time.  But there is also an ache that I am trying to understand. I don't have family; I don't have people that are my very own. I have my children and we are our very own little family, but I don't feel like there is family for me.  There is no extended family, no one that is excited to see me, or celebrate the magic of Christmas. I hate all those hallmark Christmas movies where; people have all these relatives and people that are excited to see them.  All the miracle love stories where there is always a happy ending.  I don't understand that.  There is a certain magic in Christmas, that I am desperately trying to find again. There is nothing like playing Santa and staying up all night to make sure that everything is perfect.  The carrots are chewed on the porch because the reindeer have been there.  The stockings are way too heavy to hang anymore and are placed ever so carefully by all the presents.  I cry every time watching the grinch when she sings where are you Christmas, I can't you.  I feel like that so much of the time.  This year my house is more decorated there is an abundance of trees and lights, I am trying to find the spirit, but that family part is missing.  There are no big family dinners and stories being told, and there is a sadness in that.  There is no sitting in the living room all the trees on having hot chocolate and just enjoying the things around us.  I have said it a million times, everyone has their own families and then there is me.  I have a few people don't get me wrong but there isn't that family setting, people coming over and laughter in a room in that wants nothing more.  No sharing of stories and inside jokes. Maybe it's a season, I don't know.  

I think that there needs to be a cycle breaker movie, and how things actually work.  The real-life loneliness that no one wants to see or admit too.  Being a cycle breaker is more than worth it for my children, they are going to get to experience things so much different than I ever did and I am grateful for that, where does that leave the cycle breaker?  Even today I took off work and I would love to call someone to say want to celebrate my Grad grades being a 100 for both classes? Come over and let's have some tea and talk about life?  Come over and see all my Christmas trees.  I want people like that, that want to be involved in my life and a part of my every day. The lonely life of a cycle breaker. So fragile and so heavy.

I know that there are many cycle breakers out there in the world doing things different making things better for the world, where are they?  I need to find other cycle breakers! How do they deal with these things? I want to know, l I want to share, I want to have an understanding.   how do others like me navigate waters that no one should have to experience.  I want to know others that struggle with the same kinds of things that I do.  How do they do it and keep going?  Do they have days when they just can't anymore?  Do they have a place that they call home and people that may not be blood but are family?  Where are those people? Those are the ones that I need that can understand, that can come over and say let's forget it all and just watch your favorite movie.  I am looking for those kinds of people.  People that I can be my crazy self with on my great days my good days and on my days that I want the world to go away.  

This time of year these things are just blaring, and I am struggling my way through trying to find a new path.  I am doing the things that make my heart happy.  I got a Christmas card in the mail the other day, and I glanced at it and threw it in the trash because you don't send someone a card that you pretend doesn't exist. You don't send someone a card when you have ignored suffering for years.  It felt really good.  So I will finish decorating the Christmas trees on my own tonight and make everything look beautiful for me and hopefully someday soon I will have people that I can share with.  Maybe next semester, I can have a party with my people and celebrate another semester of all 100's. I am in a place different than ever before, I want others around. I want to share the person that I am becoming. I have always said that living on a deserted island was the place for me. I am learning that its not. I don't want to be alone, I want to share and be the person that I am.

 Christmas is different. There was always a magic in Christmas, that I held onto. Even in the middle of my horror, I would grab on to any magic moment that I could. I so easily was able to pretend that all was well in the world. 

I heart your heart.