Heavy day

 

I feel as if I am one huge walking trigger magnet.

Locked in the past and desperately wanting the future

My body in shock and frozen in time

Still all these many years later

Reminders are everywhere, puling me in all different directions

I am overwhelmed with sights, smells, touches, and oh so much noise

All things that haunt a person's soul

 I did nothing but be with this sadness today.

 I just needed to sit, the feeling of heavy was so great, that I was unable to move

Triggers running no matter what I did, like a raging river threatening to drown me.

 Songs, parts of movies Facebook post all triggers all reminders of what I've been through

 where I have been, what I have seen

 and you sit on the couch covered in blankets trying to feel warm 

but all you feel is bitter cold .

The heaviness in your chest is overwhelming and you just pull the covers up a little more

wanting to disappear, wishing it all away

hoping for some kind of relief from the pain, maybe even some peaceful sleep 

the alone you feel inside is vast and empty like the grand canyon 

I feel like I'm too sad, Too needy 

 my heart is too much for anyone to hold 

Too intense too serious too hard to love

 sad for everything and nothing all at the same time even with the same breath

 my phone is my friend, scrolling scrolling

My head is pounding, too much all at once

tears come randomly, that knowing in the pit of your stomach

trying to keep the feelings at bay . 

 my sweet dog Mabel the only one to notice and she licks away the tears

until my body stops shaking then lays by my side my only comfort 

TV was on but just for background noise

 My eyes are swollen and burning

 I'm sure the lack of sleep doesn't help today's situation. 

the nightmares so real so raw and so emotional 

spunky cries and cries sounds that are so deep coming from a place too long ignored

 wanting to be heard and acknowledged 

every nightmare she's begging to be seen to be listened too

She is trying to use her voice begging for help, but everyone looks the other way

the screams are plenty, yet no one hears her

I am overwhelmed, I run around begging for attention, no one sees me

I am in a panic and so afraid, we are not asking for much but get nothing

  Just a heavy day, So much heavy that it steals any sense of peace

 I remind myself Tears don't last forever 

and I will be okay

 Today is just one of those days

I heart your heart