Always on my plate

 

There are always going to be things that are on my plate that I would rather not be.   Things will always pop up that come out of nowhere and throw me for a time. Every day, I know my past is there, and it still comes to mind each and every day, but it's better than it has ever been. The other day, when the thoughts came back about having to hold my father's cross and all the emotions and memories that came with that, I was more than a little overwhelmed.   have not thought about that in a very long time, and just like that.  ith no real rhyme or reason, it was right in front of me, begging for attention.   wrote about it, and instead of putting it away, I shared it in therapy.   guess time does change things and how you view them.  here was an ache for the experience, for all the pain that I had to endure.  here was a realization of things that I had no right to know.  here was the realization that I was just a girl who should have had adults to protect her.  o many thoughts and feelings.  or a few moments, there are thoughts of how a little girl even survives that, and the only answer is that it is all you know how to do.  he difference this time was that when I left therapy, there was a weight lifted.  peaking about how cold my arm was and just wanting him to be done was not attention seeking, as I always fear.   was just speaking about the experience.  he thoughts about knowing my parents were having sex, and hearing that cross and not having an understanding why she didn't have to hold his cross like I did.   was scared for her but then that realization that she was a woman and I was just a child.   was not even old enough to have a full understanding of all the things I experienced, yet I had them just the same.  or me, my mother and I were on the same page, but we should never have been.  To use Mark's words, I was a co-spouse at such an early age, and that is enough to make my skin crawl. Just all the things that the word spouse entails, and that was placed on me at 5 is incomprehensible. The things that have happened in my life are things that I will always be healing from. With all the work that I have put into my own healing work, there are going to be things that remain tender. No matter the work that I do, the continual therapy, there will be times when, like a switch, things will awaken, and memories and pictures will make themselves known, and I have to learn to let that be ok. I have to give myself some space and time and know that is the nature of the beast. Trauma has lasting impacts, and there are just some aspects of my life that, no matter how much I wish them away, are just going to be. 

I heart your heart.  To always healing.