Why All the tears

 

Goodness, there are so many tears, and they come fast and hard when good things start happening.  So many bad things have happened throughout my life that I think when those good things happen, it's like I almost can't believe it. It's that feeling like I need to pinch myself to know that I am not dreaming.  I am not imagining things.  It is true that, in fact, good things are happening, and I am going to accomplish each and every goal that I set for myself. 

I have already sent out so many emails about practicum sites.  I had not heard back from most of them, or some wanted me to wait until June!   So, I got home tonight and reached out to one of my top choices.  I got a response right away, saying that the spring interns started this week and she would contact me next week. My mind was blown, and the tears started.  Like it's really happening, something that I have wanted for so long is getting closer and closer. I am going to be able to help people.  I am going to make a difference and make sure that others know that they aren't alone. 

I so want to become the care that I never got.  I cry because I think, wow, in spite of all that I have been through and all the shitty things that have happened. My dreams are still coming true. I think a huge piece of that is feeling worthy.  I think sometimes, when good things happen, there is that fear that I am not worth it.  I wonder if that will ever totally go away.  I have played and replayed how the conversation with her will go in my head, how important it is to me, and why I want to do this here and now in this place. I want to say all the right things, and I want them to see and understand my passion. I want them to know that I will be one of the best, and I will make a difference. 

I cry because it's just that important to me.  I want to save the tears so they can see that passion, then get in my car and let them flow. So many happy tears that I never imagined I would ever have. Even writing this and thinking about the future, I may need a boat soon. For so many years of my life, tears were never allowed, and I have a lot of catching up to do.  There is a time and a place.  I need to let them see who I am and that I have an understanding of life, not from any book but from a life lived.  I understand just how precious each and every moment is, and I want them to see that in me. 

I heart your heart. Callahan is so on her way back.