This is a rough one. It's hard to believe that at almost fifty years old, some of the things that I long for are things that I have to accept might not happen—may never happen, really. For a good part of my life, there was no care, and no one cared for me. Yesterday, I got into this conversation and realized a few things that I desperately want and need and ways that it has happened or it hasn't. There are still parts and pieces that are confusing that I am trying to unravel in my head.
In one of my classes, it was a video about a client who was suicidal. They couldn't sign the contract, to be safe for a week. They couldn't sign it for even a few days. Finally, the counselor was able to get him to sign the contract for 24 hours. It literally broke my heart, and I kept thinking about how much I was going to worry about them in those 24 hours. I even asked that question at the end of class, of course, with tears in my eyes. As a professional, there comes a time when you have to separate work life and personal life. You will be concerned, and you will always care, but you can not take care of them. You know that you have given them tools to honor that contract, and they know you care and have faith in their strengths. This is tough, I have to be able to care for people, but not take care of them.
So that brings me to Mark. The care that I receive from him is something that I have never had. It's an unconditional care that I feel in my heart. And I think that there are times I want to be cared for. There are times that I want, in two-year-old fashion, just to hold on to him and not let go. There are times I think I just want to stay here in this office, safe and sound because I just want someone to care for me. There are times when things happen in life, and he is my first thought to tell. Last night, there was this realization that it was not his job. I am not seeing him so that he can take care of me. I am seeing him to become strong and brave and all the things that are so hard to believe about myself. He sees me because of the care that he has. Such a huge shift. And I think about all the times leaving his office when I felt empowered when I felt like I was seen and heard. That is because of his care. He doesn't worry because he knows that he has focused on the good things and knows that I will be ok, often even when I don't. He gives me those things that help me survive week to week, knowing that I will be ok and I have everything it takes to be ok and to make it in the world. Wow, if that isn't powerful. Even when I don't need him anymore, that care will still be there. Even when I move on and graduate and become the person that I have wanted to be for so long, he is still going to be that person who cared. I may want him to take care of me at times, but his care is what gets me through. Maybe I am too attached, maybe he means to much but I am ok with that. He has helped get me where I am, and I will forever and always be grateful. Oh, the power of an amazing therapist. How lucky am I?
There have been times when I feel like I am not okay and I am not going to be okay. And yet, he has all the right words, and I think, when will that time be when I am really not okay? I'm not sure if that even makes sense. Like maybe he sees things that I am not able to see. There is lots to think about and process. It wasn't that he didn't see the need; it was that he saw the strength. Such a new perspective.
It makes it hard growing up in a home like I did. When normal life, things were just not a part of my life. I have never really had someone take care of me. Most of my life if not all, I have been on my own. Everything was always on my shoulders. No matter what it was or how big it was, it was all me. There were not people to ask about life issues and problems. No one cared enough to even wonder what I thought. Add in so many life losses throughout my entire life, and it gets so heavy. I think finally I see all the impacts of that, and it's really hard. So when someone cares. the way that Mark does, you want to hold on for dear life. They become the first person to give you things that you should have had your entire life. Oh, that is so heavy.
I would love to speak to someone about their experience in counseling who had all those things growing up? Do they get attached? Is there that needs to be taken care of? I would love to get those perspectives. That patient-therapist relationship is when someone has gotten all the life skills that they need and the ones that haven't. There has got to be some kind of study on that. Can't tell I am taking Research Methods this semester. I really wonder how different that makes things. I think that makes it that much harder as a counselor. Lots to think about.
I just think this comes from growing up and not having care, not being cared for. There are so many things that I missed. When we were talking, Calvin was one of the few people who cared for me and also took care of me. He was my one in a million, and I will forever be grateful for him. Mark is my once-in-a-lifetime care. Maybe someday I can find my forever care and someone to take care of me, when my world becomes more than I can take. The life of the cyclebreakers.
I heart your heart.
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