Getting my Shit together 2019

This is it. This is what this year is going to be about for me. Less about others and more about my own heart.  Less worrying about what others think and not caring why.  They have not walked n my shoes there is no way for others to understand some of the choices that I make and that has to be ok.  The end of 2018 was difficult.  Things were turned inside out and feelings that have always been there resurfaced and they hurt.  I need to learn that there are going to be days when things tear at my soul and give myself pace for that. At the same time I need to learn that on those days when I don't feel the weight of the past that's OK too.  It's OK to just be happy and do whats good for me.  Less Facebook and others and who is or isn't around.  I need to believe that good ones will come and be open to them staying. My heart yea its bruised but there is so much to give.  There is still so much in my heart to give and share and its finding the right ones.  I am learning to let things go and welcome others in.  I worry worry worry all the time and that does nothing but hurt me .  There are things I can not control but I can control myself and how I act, how kind I am and how I am with others.  When I am true to who I am I hope that will be seen and people will stick around. I am the same all the time, just crazy, passionate, often quiet me.  I worry about the ones that don't stick around that there is some fatal awful terrible flaw that makes me terrible, maybe its a season maybe they just can't but I can't worry if they don't stick around for me; maybe it just isn't meant to be.  I know that I have a job that I love.  I know that I am a good mom and love Vincent and Mariska more than anything and that I am kind. I am a good friend and will stick by you in your worst moments. Kindness makes a difference and that is what I will chose to do for others and this year for myself.  I will be kind to myself. Maybe dare I say a little self centered. I need to do whats right for my heart regardless of if others understand. I worry about that and its time , this year right now that I follow what is right for my heart and strive for the things that make me strong, make me happy, make me a better human being.   

I heart your heart.

BAM

It's amazing sometimes that things can hit you so hard and fast

And just like that you are brought back to the days of growing up

The fear, the sadness, the pain that you feel in your heart that takes you right back 

The favoritism the feelings the sense of wanting to crawl in a hole

The feelings of never ever being enough

How someone can show up and things get all turned around, inside, outside upside down


Those things that hit you just like that, BAM

Things seem to be on a roll, going well and just like that a person can be brought back

Back to the things that have longed to be forgotten that are etched in the soul

There seems to be many of these lately and I have been at a loss. 

When you realize just how far that you have come and how quickly those little deeply hurtful things still have the power to cut like a knife.

And oh they cut so DEEP .......

By now I would think that I would have learned that I should go with the flow expect the punches

But I can't, I don't want to go with the flow I want people to change

I want people to be kinder and I want people to do the right thing

I want people to be respectful of how far that I have come and be mindful of exactly where this heart has come from

because there will be days when just like that

BAM, I am right back where I started.

 

I heart your heart 

You don't get to forget me

You don't get to forget me

This I am sure that I will never understand

How do you share things  then just forget

How do you cry and hold someones heart then walk away

How do you share in their story then pretend they mean nothing

How do you say things like I love you then do things that crush their heart

How do you throw things in their face about the amount of time that they have spent on you

How do you feel when you just become unimportant

You don't get to forget me like that

You don't get to pretend that I mean nothing anymore

You don't get to show up and make things about you, when you have made no effort

You don't get to make the random invitation pretending all is well

You don't get to post pictures where I am left out and not say a word

You don't get to pretend that everything is fine when I don't hear from you in months

I do not understand these things,  I will never understand.

And as much as it hurts my heart,  I will not reach out anymore

I did and was crushed, I have and was made to feel less than

NO, that doesn't work any more for me

When others are my thoughts and I am not even a fleeting anything

I have to stand up for me,  its not ok to be forgotten

Even if you aren't a favorite reaching out to check on someone is the thing to do and I will

Forever and always do that.

I will not reach out for my heart

I will reach out to make sure your heart is ok, even though you have largely forgotten about mine

So I am not your person, not your tribe, not your friend, not your forever.....

 I am somebody to lots of people

I won't settle to be a sometimes

 I am too old to bruised to careful

And this heart needs and deserves more than you are able to give right now.

I do hope you remember me sometimes and just smile because once I did the same

Homecoming 2018

There are so many things.   I just want things different for my kids.  I want them to experience the things that I never have. But it was hard, Even with my own kids today I still felt like an outsider.  I was more than close to tears, I lost count as to how many times. Part of me that was more than exited I got teary when I picked up Sol's corsage it was beautiful and I was excited for her.  I think that I was more excited about it than anyone. My heart was hurting and I was more than excited for Vincent. Mariska and I had a blast, I smiled for her, got special treats we always have fun no matter what we are doing.  Even if its waiting in a parking lot for hours at a time. We make things work and we laugh oh my goodness we laugh.  Nothing I do is enough for Vincent,  he doesn't talk to me.  Maybe its because he is 14 maybe he doesn't have anything to say maybe its something else.  But how he treats me often breaks my heart.  I do all that I know and more, I would give him my last limb, and often that isn't enough, that part breaks my heart. I don't understand the fun and exciting, I don't understand the boyfriend/ girlfriend thing I have never experienced those things and can not share in the gladness.   I have never been to a dance, never dated a boy, never gotten flowers, or been asked on a date; never had the chance for teenage crushes, those are things I don't know or can even understand.  I just wanted to be included take some pictures I am more than excited that he gets to experience these things even though my heart is breaking that I never did.

 I wanted her to have the flowers that I never got.  

And I think right there that says it all.  From the outside looking in I wanted a small spot. 

I heart your heart 

My fatal Flaw

This is kind of funny I feel like there are so many.  I feel that things that are meant for other people just are not meant for me.  People have said fake it until you make it as if the me that I am today or was yesterday was a bad thing.   I don't want to fake being outgoing and being a joiner when I know that in my soul those are not things that I want to be. Do I want more people in my life, well I want forever's in my life. Those that can understand who I am right here and not not try to make me fake anything trying to be someone that I am not.  It's a daily fear that I am forever going to be a loner, that I will be alone. I find  fleeting moments when I can truly connect with others , and I treasure and hold those moments close. Most of the time its just more than clear, that the things that I give, the things that I have are not things that are coming for me.  I don't want to have to prove myself anymore.  Prove that I am worthy to be around, that I am worth someones attention, that I am fine just as I am.  I don't feel that, I feel mostly that I am just not enough.  My heart my hands my soul are not enough , not liked enough not faithful enough, not anything enough. My heart is too heavy, my soul is to dark, my mind is full of to many questions.  I will go above and beyond for so many and I do not expect that, I just want some love back in someone who will listen and hear. Someone to tell me that I am worth it; love attention, friendship I am worth it all just like them, just the way that I am.  That seems to be huge for me lately, being enough.Being worthy.  Those things have been big for me for a long time and still they hurt. My heart is heavy, so heavy with a sadness that is achy and draining.  I want someone who can come over and say lets watch a movie.  I want someone to reach out and ask how I am just because they care.  I have said it before I ask for to much. I want to feel enough, I want to be enough I want to be loved in the every moment the sad, the happy the mad, the confused the frustrated, just to be loved.  I don't want fake, no need to pretend because honestly I am used to the not staying. It will never hurt any less but I hope that my heart will not hold on so tight to the things that are not meant for me .

Let the words sink in

Guess who is coming to Dinner ?

That was the text that I received at work.  What who ? What are you talking about ?  So many thoughts so many things and where do I begin.  There was excitement, there was sadness, there was worry. My brother was coming to dinner.  It has been year since I have seen him. Just that it happened so many things to process.

SO that was weeks ago its now 11-11.  I have been thrown under the bus, I have balled my eyes out on my way to work, I have felt less than and more than overwhelmed.  All of the things that we said would happen if he ever moved here yes all those things have happened. 

The second day that was here my mom gave him a key ?  WHAT ?  This is my house he has had nothing to do with me in years and you give him a key.  That is not ok and it hurts my heart that is not understood.  He lives a different way of life.  I have fought so hard where I am and I feel like he has come and not only shaken things but turned them inside outside upside down and my inner self is suffering.  I am learning that we are not enough here, what we have for him isn't enough, its not what he wants, and that is just like everything before I was never enough.  We are strong and don't do the BS that he is accustomed to.  He talks to hear himself talk. I was here for him so he could get back on his feet not to be used for the in between.  The hurt there is so much hurt in my bones and I don't even know what to do with it. He comes eats , sleeps then leaves. Victoria has this hold on him that I can not understand or want to . He is used there not listened to, its a different life where there is no real respect, or care or concern and there is drama each and every day. 

I don't do drama, its not good for my heart I have worked more than hard to eliminate that, and he brings so much each and every day.  There is not much positive, everything is a joke and everything is funny.  He makes excuses for everything, for everyone and every bad behavior and that just is not ok.  He has ruined my library, his things are everywhere and he has yet to clean things up. The mud from his boots cover the entry way and its not even a thought to clean it up.  This is my beautiful house and I am fining that I want to come home and hide in my room in my own house.  I don't want hear the drama, the BS the talking just to talk.  I talk if I truly have something to say.  It's more than hard having him here.  I thought that he wanted to change make things better, but he is stuck in a place that I don't understand.  He needs to decide do you want to be here and be supported and loved or be there because I can not be the in-between.  In the end I am once again the one that is going to get my heart broken.  I honestly don't know what to do.  He has his apartment but his heart is not there his couch and bed are there . His pots and pans are there but nothing else.  I don't like being the in-between the afterthought.   

I know that so much of this hits my heart where its already broken ,  not being enough always coming in second and I hate that place. At the same time I feel like that is the exact place that I am living in.  I was so hopeful when he was coming, maybe he isn't ready.   Poor Mariska was crying that hard cry all the way home Friday, the tension, the drama in the air its something that Vincent and Mariska don't have in their life.  The energy that he brings is so draining , and its the holidays.  I want to enjoy the season; I want enjoy every second and not have to worry and  walk on egg shells. 

I have worked so very hard to get to where I am and where my mom and I have gotten and it feels as if I am holding all these tangled threads that no one else is even really noticing. Such a tangled web, we are on the outside trying to help but that pull is so strong its something I can't compete with and at this point if the toll on me is so great do I really want to ?  Choices have to be made.  No easy easy answers for this family of mine. 

I heart your heart