MY Feelings in others' words

I want to be like them

I get disappointed often that I am not like them that I feel like they are in a tribe that I just don't belong too.  They are true survivors, they are strong and brave and they speak with clarity, and confidence that I just don't have.  I hear their names and I hold my heart and think someday I will be like that, someday I will find the right words someday I will have that power and grace and people will hear me.  People have said  that I am sure that these women have their days when they don't feel so strong and I am sure that they do..  But there is a sense of themselves that they have, that I feel is so very far away for me.  They can sit with their head up high and know that they survived, they have an innocence that I can see that I am in awe of.  Names like Jaycee Dugard, Elizabeth Smart , Chanel Miller I would do anything to have a few minutes with them and ask so many questions.  How is it that you still have that spark ? They have this light that is so bright that makes others notice. How is it that they are so present with themselves ?  How is it that they are so elegant in their words.  Not the things that happened to them but how they convey how they feel and what they think.  All of these women are so well spoken , brave and honest and oh so true.  I want to be one of those girls I want to be a girl that is finally comfortable in her skin.  I want to be a strong competent and unwavering voice to do things different and have others be able to hear.  I want to be a person that speaks and people will listen even when its the unimaginable.  I think as a survivor there is some inner sense that I can see, some inner knowing that I don't have yet.  I think I almost feel like they have some kind of secret, a piece of healing  that I am not lucky enough to have yet. I feel like I am on my way there, that is what I fight for but more often than not  I have that panic and doubt and self loathing that I am still so affected. 

No I do not know these women ,  I see a certain side that is displayed in public. But I know them more than your average person.  I have a certain understanding of different parts of them, the ones that they share and speak about.  As a woman that has experienced the unimaginable they have something that I just don't have yet.  Like many other things there is a piece I can see in them that I long for.   I look forward to the day I can sit with the things that have happened and there never be a single thread of doubt that I deserve all the good things in the world.  I want to be a woman who is comfortable in her skin and more than worthy to be loved, to be cared for and to be understood and valued .  Someday. Someday.  Someday I want to feel like I belong in the group with them.  I will be strong yet soft, vulnerable yet confident and I will be brave and speak from my heart for all the girls that can't yet speak.  That is what I want.  That is my wish. 

I heart your heart.


       

My heart feels Worn

“Even in the middle of someplace beautiful, it can feel completely dark. That’s what trauma does to the soul. It shatters the mind, and tears up the heart. It renders you unable to see the good. It suspends you in time, until you’ve healed every part. But step by step, you can climb out of this hell. There is a way, to heal your broken heart.”
-Little girl speak

“And sometimes my safety washes away. Sometimes it’s ripped right out from under me. And in those moments, I can feel the weight so heavily, like the lost pages of a diary. This child within; she’s still battling. She fights so hard for a seat at my table. And every day, I try my best to let her in. Thank God most days, I’m able.”
-Little girl speak

“PTSD is like having a body that wants to swim, and a mind that wants to drown.”

Oh Little Callahan

Oh my little friend.  I feel more than lost with out you.  I feel a lonely like I have never known.  Where are you, where have you gone ?  I want you to know that I am more than sorry for so much.  I would like to think that you are just packing your bags, that you are coming back but I am really not sure. I am more than sorry for so much, goodness I hope you know I truly never hated you I just couldn't see the little lovable survivor  you under all the terrible awful evil things that were done to you.  I am alone without you and I desperately want to know where you are and how your heart is.  There are so many conversations that we have never had,  I know that we never shared words because there was never a need or there was a need but we didn't even know the words to say or where to start.  So much of our lives things have just been an understood,  wen I went away you took over when you went away I tool over.  You were always there for me, you were there in it all and I am more than grateful that I wasn't on my own because I never would have made it. I am more than sorry that I haven't been able to acknowledge you for so long, it must have been terribly lonely I just didn't have a clue, maybe you being gone is a taste of my own medicine and the loneliness is what you have felt all these years.  You were always there on those moments that I felt most inhuman you were there so clear and I felt like a real person again.  You were always there reminding me that I wasn't alone, that things would be over and be ok again soon.  I fear that I can't do this by-myself,  I never realized just how much that I have needed you.  There is a part of me that is completely lost.  There is such a need to know where you are and know that you are ok.  I am worried, I am scared and I just need to know that you haven't left me too.  Because through it all you were there and when there were no words it was ok because you understand just as deeply as I do, and I need that.

A forever ?

I am trying to figure out what exactly that means ? What does my forever mean ? I am finding that my definition of forever;  well I am finding there isn't one and that I am totally using the wrong word.  Of maybe even I have no clue what the word means at all   For me there is no Forever, there is no one thing that I can count on without a doubt, except Mark holding space for me each Tuesday and my sweet Mariska.  Even writing that at 45, seriously.     I mean because really there is no forever nothing is for sure except death, taxes and change.  And I think that I hold on to the things in my life because that is a one constant thing that I have known.  As awful terrible tragic that all those things were that is what I know that is what I know will be there in every sense of forever.

So my forever broke me, shattered me into millions of little pieces and I am trying to find my way back. My way back to something that I have no clue what it means, what it truly is  or what is there when I can finally let go a little. I am fighting my way back to something that I have never known and am not sure that I fully understand, and seriously how terrifying is that.  I find kindness I find a listening heart and I hold on for dear life and that scares me am I just holding on until the next person leaves and someone else comes in.  I don't want to do that.  I want to hold on for the mere fact that it is real and kind and everything that my heart needs. To be cared for and my heart held when it just can't take any more hurt.  How does a 45 year old woman long for that and that be ok. How does a 45 year old woman ask to be a forever patient ?   It feels absolutely awful, and each second I hold my breath hoping that maybe each time I find someone that the need to hold on won't be so intense and it will be a feeling that I can walk away be on my own and still know that they are there. That they are not worried about time, or anything other than caring because I am me.

Yea there is no forever, but for me I can make my children a promise that I am always there, whatever they need.  It may be quiet it may be fighting it may be holding their heart until they know they are ok but that is an always.  I am hoping that this is enough and maybe someday in my fighting in my struggle to thrive I will find all that my heart long for in places that I least expect it.   

Not Beautiful

NO I am not beautiful, I don't have many friends.  I don't often know what to say.  I don't fit in much of anywhere. I see things different I think about different things. I carry the world and worry about saving others saving things.  I write to get all that is in my heart a place to live.  I am strange, I am different I sing in my car, I am a mad shower singer.  I love with my whole heart, I fear with everything that I am . I fight with a passion for the things that I believe in. Whales , Children wanting to make the world better.  I believe fiercely and will give it all I have.  I love with my whole heart and yet am the one that is most often left.  I cry myself to sleep, no one to care for my broken heart. People used to tell me to fake it until I fake it, that is not in my bones I am just me  I am not the outgoing one, I am not the one that enjoys loud and obnoxious.    I have been laughed at and torn apart and still here I am.  I have never been a favorite, never been in love never been the first one to be called never the first to anything , never the first never the first. I am not the one that is thought of not the one that is remembered.  Mostly life is lived alone.  Afraid to be a burden or a pest.  Afraid that my feelings don't go both ways and I will once again be laughed at and made fun of.  That has been most of my life.  Always an outlier, never a be longer. I mean lets face it my luck of having people stay is close to zero.  Val and Neil are keepers and they are forever, they just aren't the every day forever.  For me there is not much difference because when there are no foreevers even the far away ones you hold on to them as tightly as you can. I promise you I hold on to them for dear life.  The same with Mark, I think that he is a forever and that terrifies me.  But right now I try not to worry about it and hold on to every second those are the moments that I feel worthy, that I feel cared for that I feel like things are going to get better. I have to believe that he is going to be different that even after I don't see him he will still think of me and say hello.  In every inch of my heart I believe that he is a piece of forever that I have never known.  Someday someway I am going to believe all those nice things that Mark ells me that he keeps telling me, that he believes about me until  I can believe them for myself.  Maybe I am meant to have very few people and in that case I am the luckiest person there is to even have a few.

I heart your heart .

I am not one for baby steps

Yes. This.  There is so much hurt I often worry that one more time one more hurt one more abuse, one more rape, one more time someone taking what isn't theirs, one more time someone leaving, being left yet again and my heart just won't make it, it would be the end of me . I would be somewhere else more than millions of miles away curled up in a corner void of anything.  I want to be better, I want to let my arms down stop keeping everything at bay, stop trying to fight and in my screwed up head that feels like they win. And I don't want to let them win. I feel like if I let them win, then what was the point.



I am always in fight mode. I have to fight at home at work in my head.  On any given day there are so many battles being fought that sometimes I don't even have a clue what the battle is about.  There is Vincent who treats me like a friend who does what he wants when he wants and is most often disrespectful and rude. He questions my every move,  and it kills me.  He tell me to chill I can't tell you how many times in a day and doesn't see a thing wrong with it.  I can not win with him no matter what I do.   At home there is always a battle something I didn't do enough or the right way or things I should and shouldn't have done with my children.  I just want to peacefully live in my own home at rest. I want there to be a time of rest where I can do what  I need, rest when I need to rest and write and do my journals when I need to do them.  Work is another story. I love my team they are more than awesome but when you know that the administrator doesn't like you,  it feels like no matter what is done I can never win.  Nothing is ever enough or the right way and that is wearing.

And then on top of all that there is me trying to heal this heart of mine, wanting so much to be in a better place to understand the things that I think and feel.  I am more than grateful that I have Mark and feel more than lucky that I am valuable and important that he takes time and doesn't see me as a bother or a pest.  Just hearing these things make me be able to breathe a little less heavy.

Then there is this house.  It is such a stress I don't make enough money to care for this huge house.  There is the fence that needs repair, the table that is on its way out the bushes out front that are so overgrown I am not sure how we haven't gotten a notice from the homeowners yet. There is the grass and the upkeep and the paint that I can't find a match for and the furniture that smells like dog.  I feel like its just too much and 200 hundred dollars a month doesn't even begin to cover all of the extra's.  There are so many things that need my undivided attention and trying to do it all with many things reminding me of the house that I grew up in I am spent.

I heart your heart .