April SAAM

 

Sometimes there are so many things to say and other times I can't find just the right words.  At the moment, I am not sure that I have the right words. April is a rough month for me.  It's my favorite month because it's the kid's birthday.  It's the worst month because it's mine.  And I hate my birthday, more than you could ever imagine. For me April is a month of trying to be ok, while I am drowning.  This month is also Sexual Assault Awareness Month and that beings its own challenges, especially when it means so much. There have been years that I have wanted to scream from the rooftops.  There have been years when I am silent needing time to process.  I am not sure which one I am in yet.  I am trying to process the worst year of my life when I was 13 and am finding it incredibly difficult.  I know that I am working as hard as I can, but there is a part of me that feels like a failure because the sadness is pretty overwhelming right now.  Tears come often and out of the blue and I am tired.  I am oh so very tired. . 

I am in this in-between place.  I have worked on healing for so long and so many areas aren't ugly oozy anymore.  And still there are other things that I fear facing.  So many things have changed for me.  I am further than I have ever been and even harder on myself I fear this place that I am in.  I have come so far, and feel as if I should be further along.  Somehow the things I am struggling with are things that I should know, that I have dealt with before and therefore, I should be fine.  But I am not.

I am In grad school to be a counselor!   That is huge, and there are times when the feelings are so overwhelming, and I think what a fraud Callahan!   How are you going to help others when you are in the state that you are in.  I know that is dramatic, I just think that I should be further along.  I want for things not to bother me. I have no doubt in being a counselor, I feel at home.  I just want to feel at home being me.  I feel at home in my counseling skills class, it's something I have wanted for so long.  I want to be able to say yes, these things happened to me but look at where I am.  You know how when you say something then say but, that everything you said in the first place doesn't matter.  That is what I want.  I want to say those things happened, but I am happy, I am whole, and I am living this life. 

I am presenting at the trauma conference in July, and that is really huge.  I am terrified and at the same time, it is a chance for me, to use my voice and make a difference for others.  That means the world.  I know that Mark wouldn't let me fail if he thought I wasn't ready.  I just have to be real.  Sometimes the struggle is still so prominent.  Maybe it's learning that there are always going to be things that I have to deal with but that doesn't make me less of a person. Because I am not completely done, doesn't make me any less credible Right?!?  I don't know.  

Such a transition time for me.  I am making all the right moves one foot in front of the other, making my own path.  I just want to be proud of myself and the things that I have survived.  I want to stand in my own light and make a difference.  Less doubting of myself, even through the healing. I may never come to a place, when I am completely finished, I don't think that is realistic anymore.  There is no stopping point, or time stamp for me being healed, just layers.  I think that I am just in a rough layer.  

This layer of being 13, is hard.  So much loss and pain that is hard to comprehend.  I am doing it I am working.  Sometimes I just need a breather.  It's so much. 

So this SAAM, I am going to go gentle on myself.  I have healed so much and looking forward to helping others. Each time that I speak or present it is a turning point. I learn so much.  I am sure this Summer will be no different. I am excited to make a difference.  Each time I speak a little more of me gets her voice back.   So I heart your heart.  Always always. 

Sometimes it hits so hard

 

I just finished Baby Reindeer on Netflix. I am at a loss for words.  I finished and my stomach is uneasy, and I so badly want him to find his happily ever after.  I watch it and my heart understands.  I watch and I think how amazing this is for all the people that will be able to watch it and find solace that they are not the only ones. So many things are heartbreaking.  A man so hurt he will do anything to make another human feel anything other than all the things he felt about himself.  A man so lost he struggles separating himself from the things that have done him the most harm, one of those shows that is going to stick with me, that is going to take some time to process in my brain.  

I can watch movies like this all day and most don't affect me really.  There is this part of my brain that watches things like this looking for answers, happy for others and trying to find some sense.  The truth is there will never be a movie to make sense out of the things that have happened in my life.  There will be no movie to give me a happy ending, to make everything all better.  But I can watch movies and be grateful they were created and grateful that hopefully they will help others.  I will always watch movies like this in hopes that there is a glimmer that will somehow ease my pain even if for a short time. 

The part where he sits down with his parents, that broke me.  I have never been able to just sit and do that.  I have never been able to just tell them to wait and get it all out.  His father, his response, that was beautiful.  

I found myself wanting to say the words more than I ever have before.  I say the words in writing, they are so much easier to type then to let the sounds pass your lips.  I can talk about it in a roundabout way, but to sit with those words, leaving my mouth is more than difficult.  I am not even a fan of hearing someone else say them.  I find that somehow, I can say them if its somehow far away and apart from me.  But to be fully present and say the words, I am just not sure. 

I was raped. I was raped. I was raped. 

I don't think those words will ever become easy, will ever be something that I can say and not cringe, like I have done something terrible wrong.  I say those words, and I think I can say it millions of times for each assault, for each hurt, for each time that my body was used even when I said no and fought like hell. 

Sometimes I wish that I could be easy with myself and just sit, spill it all out, cry, feel then pick myself back up knowing that speaking the words doesn't make me any less of a person. Saying those words, are what happened to me and not the person that I am inside.  That is a hard one to understand. Those words are what happened to me, not who I am.  That is powerful. 

I was raped so many times, I don't even have a number and it becomes so normal.  When another rape happens you go to this numb dark place, because it's just safer there.  I say the words and the pictures start running, there was this time and this time and this time and this time and this time.  Sometimes they all start running together, because when your 5 that is just what happens and as you get older and it still happens, they still run together just your body is older.  And then later still later you think, well it just happens it just happens.  But it shouldn't happen.  It should not have happened when I was 5 or when I was 13 or when I was 29.  Those things never should have happened at any time in my life and today at 49 I am still picking up the pieces.  

I think that I have more pieces than I have ever had, but that doesn't make it any easier. 

I was raped.  I was raped. I was raped. I woke up, I went to work, I taught, and I was raped.  All things that happened. Only the first one bruised and scarred who I am to my very core. The first one was something that became just as normal as waking up going to work and teaching.  

I watched this movie and thought, I want to sit my children down and tell them.  These are the things that happened to me.  These are the reasons that I am so protective, that I say the things that I say, that I respond to things the way that I do.  These are some of the reasons why.  I want to say, I am so sorry that you don't have a dad.  I want to say, I wanted to be normal, and wanted to go shopping and out to lunch.  I want to say, he came in my home and had no intention of any kindness. He was more than a mean man, he was worse than just not listening to me. I want to say he put a pillow over a face, and I begged him no, that we were supposed to go shopping and my entire world went black. I need to tell them, He raped me there on my bed and just left, admiring his BMW.  I want to tell them that, so they understand the woman that I am today and why I fight so hard to be that person. I want to tell them that so they can understand, I am not a monster.  Someday I will sit, and I will share, and they can listen and come to understand. You can ask anything you need to ask, and then I hope you will have a different understanding. 

Sometimes I picture myself  sharing the words and I laugh hysterically because they are just that heavy.  Somehow keeping them in takes such great effort, that releasing them is something there are no words for.  I remember the first time that I saw the Accused.  I was over my friends Lori's house.  And after I watched it, the laughing was so intense and all I could do, there were quiet tears later after she had fallen asleep.  But that laughing like there is no way that so much could happen to a person in one lifetime, and that person still be walking around smiling living and even breathing.  

so many things, this one is going to take time to sort through.  

I was raped so many times and yes, I am still here still breathing and still trying to figure out how that word can become just a word and not something that makes me unworthy. 

I heart your heart. 

Sadness

 

There are so many things to speak about.  So many things that are in my heart that I can't explain or understand.  It is something strange when others start reading the things you write.  On one hand, it's amazing and you hope that it is making a difference.  On the other hand, it's very overwhelming and you question everything. In so many ways it's something that I have always wanted to share. The things that are in my heart are things that I want others to be able to understand. I want my experiences to be heard so that it makes a difference for others. For someone to read what I have written and maybe do things different so that other people don't have to go through the same experiences that I have. That means the world to me, knowing that others will be treated differently is something that I am more than passionate about. We have to do better for survivors.   

For me, looking back on some of the past things that I have written there was a theme of sadness.  I was a little shocked, like really these feelings are still here so prominent. And there was the anger at myself that I am not done yet. There are moments I feel like one of those people that is dwelling on those things.  The last thing I want to be is to that person who people dread coming and run the other way.  I fear people reading the things that I write and thinking, she needs to get over it, she is looking for attention.  It is a real fear that I will be seen as someone who is just stuck in that place of sad, like oh poor me.  I am everything opposite of that, but the fear that is how I will be seen is much bigger than I would like.  

So tonight, I was talking about that sad that has been an ever-present part of my life. There are oh so many questions, I wonder if this sad will ever go away.  I wonder if this will always be a part of who I am.  I asked Mark and he said that hopefully it will soften, the edges won't feel so sharp.  That made so much sense.  Lately the sad is very sharp, and it makes me heart heavy.  There is so much sad, just so much. Mark even said that he can not imagine the amount of sad that I must feel. And the weight of that hits me and it's a punch to my stomach.  I hear that and I want to give myself the time for that sadness. like if someone else is able to acknowledge just how much sad that I have in who I am, then somehow, it's ok to be sad. 

And he asked me another thoughtful question.  Would there be Joy if there was no sad?  And I don't know.  I see the little things around me all the time. I notice the little bird drinking water from a puddle.  I notice the leaf that looks like a heart that landed on my window.  I notice the clouds and the smallest drop of rain on my cheek and the most beautiful rainbow off in the distance.  Even at the worst of times I notice those things and they keep me going.  Those were the things that have always kept me going. Even this morning leaving for work, I was late of course, and yet I still noticed that vibrant Cardinal sitting on the sidewalk.  That made my day this morning, it's those little things that I notice, that make my heart smile.  It's always been those little things. And would I give up those things to never have that sadness, and the answer is no.  Not in a single second.  I would never ever give up those little things, for the sadness to go away.  With out a doubt without questions, I would never give those things up.  At the same time that I believe that it is possible to experience joy without that deep sad.  The amount of sadness that I have experienced gives me a different appreciation of those little things. Even sitting here, writing I hear the birds out the window.  It stops me in my tracks, and I think how many there are do they live in the magnolia tree, just to hear them happily chirping, that is everything. I would never give up how I experience those little things.  And I wonder, without that sad, what would my experience of those birds outside my window be?  I can never answer that question because I cannot change a thing that has happened to me, but I can try to change things for others.  

As deep and as, awful as that sad is maybe I need to learn to embrace it a little. For me sadness is the enemy, it's not a good thing. Sadness is something weak.  My sadness terrifies me because it's so deep and so intense. It's fine for others, but for me it isn't ok for me to be sad. I feel like a broken record often because when you have not had normal life kindness, kindness is something extra special that I am not willing to overlook that.  Often when I receive those kindnesses the tears come, because I am that grateful. Because things i should have heard my entire life I have just heart while in my 40's.  Let that sink in. 

I was crying in my session tonight and I asked the question, will this deep sad ever go away.  There is a piece of my heart, that knows, there are going to be pieces of that sadness always there.  I am always going to have parts of me that are sad about what was lost, what was taken what I never got to experience. I need to be realistic, that it is not possible to wake up one day and magically have that sadness wiped away. I am just a person that feels everything so deeply.  I am still trying to figure it all out.  That balance, the tears and the joy.  I would never want those little joys to be anything other than that for me, but I do so wish that the sad would lose its edges.  I have been battered and bruised for so so long and I just need less of that sad.  I just need less of the heavy that weighs on my soul.  Life is heavy and when you are a person that feels it all, it's a burden that no person should have to carry alone.  I have hope that the sad will soften, I have hope that somedays the tears won't be so quick to come. I have hope that I am never going to stop trying, until each and every one of those edges is as soft as a feather. 

Even with this sad I am going to find my very own happily ever after. The sad is so intense, that it often takes me breath away. I need to remember, it's a feeling, feel it and let it pass.  Just a little turbulence.  I was listening to that song on the way home and the tears fell and fell and fell. So many tears.  I know that I have come so far, and I know that I have a way to go.  I don't care what anyone says, I am looking for that place of happily ever after, when my heart finds peace and comfort, with the softness of a million feathers. 

Both so turbulent and Always searching for happily ever after. 

I heart your heart.   

Swallowed whole

 I saw this picture and my heart melted.  Often, I feel like I am being swallowed whole by the things that have happened to me. I fight goodness I fight, but sometimes as hard as I fight it doesn't seem like it's enough.  There are moments I feel as if the world is traveling smooth and things are going well.  Then again, it's something so simple, and everything seems to fall apart. Sometimes I just need to be gently rescued from the thoughts in my head that tell me how awful that I must be. There are times when I take everything in, but there is this raging current of feelings and emotions going on inside. Yet on the outside you would never know it.  There have been a lot of feelings of being alone and having to do everything alone and its overwhelming. Exhaustion is something that is felt often daily.  Sleep has been hard to find.   It's not even specific nightmares but a feeling of running until there is nothing left.  When morning comes, I have been running all night so there is no real rest.  I need a break I need some peace; I need someone to guide me through this that can be there for the worst of the worst and the best of the best.  I am tired of cleaning and tired of cooking.  I am tired so tired of all the things and I desperately need some rest.  It's the end of another semester and find myself questioning everything! Did I do this right, that right, did I turn in everything that I was supposed to. I am second guessing everything, and my head hurts. I just desperately am wanting to find my place in this world.  I want to find my very own people that I can say will you come over?  Want to watch a movie ?  Hey my favorite poet is in town want to go with me ? That is what I want.  It seems that at 49 I am yet to find those things and it makes me sad.  I feel like I am doing something wrong. I feel like there is some kind of flaw that makes me always the outlier.  

Cutting ties

 

I can't even believe that I am putting this into words, but it is more than time.  In my life I have always had favorites.  There have been people that I have unconditionally loved without a doubt.  Often times, I had favorites, but I was not their favorite and for a long time that was good enough.  For too long really that was ok with me.  Because they were my favorite.  Recently, that just isn't enough.  I am sick of having favorites but never being anyone's favorite back.  It's so hard to explain really. I give and give and give, getting morsels back.  Each morsel I hold onto thinking maybe someday I will fit with them maybe someday; just maybe I will be their favorite too. And I look around, at their favorites and realize that I have just crumbs.  I used to be ok with that.  I am not anymore.  I deserve more than crumbs.  I want more than crumbs every now and then.  And it's really hard.  When I realized that I wanted more, things that used to be ok just aren't anymore.  What used to be fine, just isn't anymore.  Part of that breaks my heart because some people that were favorites, literally meant everything, and at the same time the amount oh hurt that was inflicted on my heart, are things that I can no longer ignore.  When there are new posts and pictures that break your heart, I don't need this heart of mine to keep breaking over things that aren't meant for me. It hurts, because I never imagined, this is where things would be.  When a person can't appreciate who you are, and how you got there, it makes things difficult. I want people that hear me and can appreciate where I have been and where I am going. And I am just not going in their direction, maybe it was a season, maybe it was something else, but I can't sacrifice myself to be something to them that I am not. I cannot hold on hoping to be something to someone, because I am worth more than crumbs. I am worth more, than I am being given. 

It was my birthday, and I received a text message saying well, I tried to say happy birthday, but we are no longer friends on Facebook.  I am sure it was a mistake.  Then well if this is the only way that I can contact you Happy Birthday. My heart sank.  No, we were no longer friends on Facebook.  It was just too hurtful for me, knowing that I was not seen and heard. Others were chosen over me, and excuses were given.  Not once was I asked if I was ok. So many months ago, I decided that I was no longer willing to have my heart crushed and I did unfriend her.  A long time ago.  I saw her message and a part of me froze, should I tell her it was a mistake, do I tell her I have no idea what happened?  So many thoughts and it took me a few days to answer.  I wanted to say, some conversations are just not meant for texts. Thank you for the happy birthday. I wanted to be brutally honest, but I didn't have it in me. So, I said awe thanks, things are crazy with grad school full time and working full time.  And then another response and another.  She asked if I was going into school administration, clearly, she had not seen my page is a long time anyway. She asked me questions that she had not asked in years.  She was having this conversation, and I thought the only reason this conversation is even occurring, is because she realized we were no longer friends.  I cannot even tell you how long it had been without any words from her.  There was a sadness, because she doesn't get it.  There was a sadness because she used to be a favorite.  There was a sadness, that I was no longer willing to have my heart broken to hope for something that deep down I knew would never be.  It's the worst feeling when there are all these words that want to come out, and you realize that there is no point.  All the times they have come to Dallas, I have not seen them.  All the times they have been close I was never a consideration.  There is just so much hurt there.  As I am growing, as I continue to heal, I cannot be a part of something that doesn't want me to be a part back.  There are still so many thoughts and feelings. It still kills me, I never imagined this is where things would be. She always said you can't be everyone's friend.  NO, that is true.  You cannot be everyone's friend.  So to avoid my heart from breaking anymore, I removed myself from the situation. I did what was right for me, it hurts that there is no understanding. It hurts so much.  In time, I hope, this ache lessens.  I just so wanted to be a part of them like they were a part of me.  I can't be an afterthought, the one always left out.  I deserve more. 

 I heart your heart

FAILURE

 

What I really want to do is write this word over and over and over and over until I don't feel that way anymore.  There are no words, but this one and it's all that I can see.  It's been this way for over a week and still it's grip is strong.  It started last week, when there was an issue with my video for my grad class. Because of that issue I was unable to turn in the assignment.  Mind you, that morning, I was able to download the corrected video and was able to get the assignment in that evening.  My professor said that it would still be late, but there really was no other option for me. I think I cried through most of the class, because not turning an assignment in is just unacceptable. I was pretty devasted. On one hand the professor was understanding and at the same time was asking questions well why didn't I realize it sooner, well it isn't that bad, there were many discounting statements that didn't help what I was feeling. Since then the feeling of failure is immense, and I am not sure how to shake it.  Then the following Saturday I am slowly coming back from that sense of failure.  And BAM group project, I froze I was a deer in headlights and no words would even come from my mouth.  I had a partner who did nothing, even when reading the notes, she read it like a script instead of a conversation. Needless to say, it was more than rough.  Then there was the co-facilitator who texted on her phone telling us that we needed to speak more and interact.  I could not, there were no words that were coming out of my mouth.  They asked how I thought it went and said that I felt like a deer in headlights that no words would come.  I said that I didn't drink but if I did I would need a very large drink.  It seemed ok, the professor came back and was talking about group being difficult and it's not as simple as some may think.  For a few minutes I gave myself a break until the professor and co-facilitator were speaking and you know when you can read body language yea that moment and I was flustered the rest of the day.  FAILURE, the only words that seems to keep running around my mind.  And the spiral that comes with that, I am not good enough, I am a letdown, yada yada yada !   All the things you could imagine were leading me down a spiral going nowhere fast.  I know that I am not going to be prefect at everything, but I feel this need to be better than what I am.  I am exhausted and have a few weeks left of classes.  There are a few classmates that are getting on my last nerve.  I just need a breather and a break.  All I know is that I am not a failure, but I sure wish those feelings of failure would soon disappear because they are heavy and exhausting.  I am spent.     

I heart your heart. 

Even from the grave

 It's amazing the things that can bother us even after a person has passed away. Most days I am fine.  But on those days that I am not it feels like there is a lead balloon in my soul.  My mother acted in ways that were not kind and said things that were often not true about me. I don't even want to imagine the things that she said to those that were around her.  I could tell by their silence towards me, that it wasn't good.  Everyone contacted my brother, flooded him with all the praise.  I got nothing, no condolences no nothing.  Since she passed away, the words that she wrote, things that she stated towards me have broken my heart into millions of little pieces.  I find myself every now and then thinking of her wishing for warm thoughts and kind memories, but right now I can't see through the hurt.  That was always the problem when she was alive.  She could never understand how I saw things or where I was coming from. She was never willing to acknowledge her part in the awful things that happened to me. She could never acknowledge the person that I was, and who I was becoming. She could never acknowledge the person that I was because of the things that happened to me.  She wanted me to forget, sweep it all under the carpet and pretend that all was well with the world.  For me, none of those things were an option. 

I was everything the opposite of what she wanted.  So many things I will never understand.  I thought by now some of the things that I have learned she said, would no longer hurt.  But they do, they still are like a knife.  I was even looking back at a memory that came up on my phone, and she said that I had a peace breaking spirit. What? ME?  I have a peace breaking spirit?  I can remember the day that I read those words like it was yesterday and today they hurt just the same. It was an email that she had written, and she left it out on the dining room table.  I hard cried, the kind of cry where your shoulders shake, and you can't catch your breathe. I read it over and over thinking that surely, she wasn't talking about me.  Yes, she was, and I truly believe that she meant those words.  How dare she say that, how dare she send it in an email. How dare she leave it on the table. It's like she meant to leave it on the table as a stake through my heart. There are so many questions that I want to ask, why did she think that what did I do.  But all of those words are useless, there will never be any answers to satisfy the hurt. 

Just so so many hurtful things.  When I clean out the rest of her things, I am just throwing things away no need to find anything else.  It has been made very clear, how little that I meant to her. So many blaring examples, and still they hurt.  Crazy that even though she has passed on, her words cut.  I guess that's the thing, I am not sad that she has passed away.  For me the main emotion is relief.  The sad is because I want to want to miss my mom.   I miss all the things that I didn't get, I miss the mom that I didn't have, that is what I miss.  Just a moment, as time passes, I hope the feelings will become less sharp. I hope that good happy things fill the spaces where there is so much pain and hurt. 

I heart your heart.