FAILURE

 

What I really want to do is write this word over and over and over and over until I don't feel that way anymore.  There are no words, but this one and it's all that I can see.  It's been this way for over a week and still it's grip is strong.  It started last week, when there was an issue with my video for my grad class. Because of that issue I was unable to turn in the assignment.  Mind you, that morning, I was able to download the corrected video and was able to get the assignment in that evening.  My professor said that it would still be late, but there really was no other option for me. I think I cried through most of the class, because not turning an assignment in is just unacceptable. I was pretty devasted. On one hand the professor was understanding and at the same time was asking questions well why didn't I realize it sooner, well it isn't that bad, there were many discounting statements that didn't help what I was feeling. Since then the feeling of failure is immense, and I am not sure how to shake it.  Then the following Saturday I am slowly coming back from that sense of failure.  And BAM group project, I froze I was a deer in headlights and no words would even come from my mouth.  I had a partner who did nothing, even when reading the notes, she read it like a script instead of a conversation. Needless to say, it was more than rough.  Then there was the co-facilitator who texted on her phone telling us that we needed to speak more and interact.  I could not, there were no words that were coming out of my mouth.  They asked how I thought it went and said that I felt like a deer in headlights that no words would come.  I said that I didn't drink but if I did I would need a very large drink.  It seemed ok, the professor came back and was talking about group being difficult and it's not as simple as some may think.  For a few minutes I gave myself a break until the professor and co-facilitator were speaking and you know when you can read body language yea that moment and I was flustered the rest of the day.  FAILURE, the only words that seems to keep running around my mind.  And the spiral that comes with that, I am not good enough, I am a letdown, yada yada yada !   All the things you could imagine were leading me down a spiral going nowhere fast.  I know that I am not going to be prefect at everything, but I feel this need to be better than what I am.  I am exhausted and have a few weeks left of classes.  There are a few classmates that are getting on my last nerve.  I just need a breather and a break.  All I know is that I am not a failure, but I sure wish those feelings of failure would soon disappear because they are heavy and exhausting.  I am spent.     

I heart your heart.