Sometimes there are so many things to say and other times I can't find just the right words. At the moment, I am not sure that I have the right words. April is a rough month for me. It's my favorite month because it's the kid's birthday. It's the worst month because it's mine. And I hate my birthday, more than you could ever imagine. For me April is a month of trying to be ok, while I am drowning. This month is also Sexual Assault Awareness Month and that beings its own challenges, especially when it means so much. There have been years that I have wanted to scream from the rooftops. There have been years when I am silent needing time to process. I am not sure which one I am in yet. I am trying to process the worst year of my life when I was 13 and am finding it incredibly difficult. I know that I am working as hard as I can, but there is a part of me that feels like a failure because the sadness is pretty overwhelming right now. Tears come often and out of the blue and I am tired. I am oh so very tired. .
I am in this in-between place. I have worked on healing for so long and so many areas aren't ugly oozy anymore. And still there are other things that I fear facing. So many things have changed for me. I am further than I have ever been and even harder on myself I fear this place that I am in. I have come so far, and feel as if I should be further along. Somehow the things I am struggling with are things that I should know, that I have dealt with before and therefore, I should be fine. But I am not.
I am In grad school to be a counselor! That is huge, and there are times when the feelings are so overwhelming, and I think what a fraud Callahan! How are you going to help others when you are in the state that you are in. I know that is dramatic, I just think that I should be further along. I want for things not to bother me. I have no doubt in being a counselor, I feel at home. I just want to feel at home being me. I feel at home in my counseling skills class, it's something I have wanted for so long. I want to be able to say yes, these things happened to me but look at where I am. You know how when you say something then say but, that everything you said in the first place doesn't matter. That is what I want. I want to say those things happened, but I am happy, I am whole, and I am living this life.
I am presenting at the trauma conference in July, and that is really huge. I am terrified and at the same time, it is a chance for me, to use my voice and make a difference for others. That means the world. I know that Mark wouldn't let me fail if he thought I wasn't ready. I just have to be real. Sometimes the struggle is still so prominent. Maybe it's learning that there are always going to be things that I have to deal with but that doesn't make me less of a person. Because I am not completely done, doesn't make me any less credible Right?!? I don't know.
Such a transition time for me. I am making all the right moves one foot in front of the other, making my own path. I just want to be proud of myself and the things that I have survived. I want to stand in my own light and make a difference. Less doubting of myself, even through the healing. I may never come to a place, when I am completely finished, I don't think that is realistic anymore. There is no stopping point, or time stamp for me being healed, just layers. I think that I am just in a rough layer.
This layer of being 13, is hard. So much loss and pain that is hard to comprehend. I am doing it I am working. Sometimes I just need a breather. It's so much.
So this SAAM, I am going to go gentle on myself. I have healed so much and looking forward to helping others. Each time that I speak or present it is a turning point. I learn so much. I am sure this Summer will be no different. I am excited to make a difference. Each time I speak a little more of me gets her voice back. So I heart your heart. Always always.
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