Holidays

 Holidays, Special days I am not a fan of either of them.  Today is Easter and not one person has reached out.  Not one person has said Happy Easter, I hope you have a great day.  It's just another alone day where things are the same. Everyone with their families and I am alone.  I am trying to find my people, I just don't know how, or even where to look. Most people are with their families doing family things. 

Everything about that makes me more than sad. Usually, I am the one that is reaching making sure that people feel seen, making sure that I acknowledge others.  This year there wasn't enough left of me, there was nothing left for me little lone anyone else. So, it was a quiet sad day, wishing that I had people to call my own. It's like this most holidays really, everyone has their own families and I understand that.  It is just when it's you and you have no family things get complicated and cloudy and sometimes very heavy. So today is just one of those sad days.  I told Mariska no Easter baskets yet that is what she did.  That girl, everything was perfect and brought a smile to my face. She even made one for her brother I made them a small backet, she would say everything was great even if it was not.  Vincent left early this morning saying nothing.  When he got home, I told him he had his baskets and nothing they are still sitting on the table untouched. He brought home beautiful flowers but just laid them on the counter no interaction.  No happy Easter mom.  

Then there is the fact that my birthday is coming up and I hate it.  Mariska is already planning and has mentioned taking the day off.  I just want the day to be normal.  I think it's easier that way and less of a chance of being let down.  I am tired of being disappointed.  Not with Mariska she will decorate and do all the things, and I will try to smile and be so excited.  Inside I will just look forward to it being over. I just am in a place where I really cannot add any more disappointment to my plate. I just can't.  It's just me trying to carry everything and I am barely keeping my head above water. I feel like I am trying so hard to be happy and it's not working.  It does feel like there is something innately wrong with me, and I am trying to fight that but it's difficult.  It's a so sad place that I am trying to maneuver.  

I heart your heart