Swallowed whole

 I saw this picture and my heart melted.  Often, I feel like I am being swallowed whole by the things that have happened to me. I fight goodness I fight, but sometimes as hard as I fight it doesn't seem like it's enough.  There are moments I feel as if the world is traveling smooth and things are going well.  Then again, it's something so simple, and everything seems to fall apart. Sometimes I just need to be gently rescued from the thoughts in my head that tell me how awful that I must be. There are times when I take everything in, but there is this raging current of feelings and emotions going on inside. Yet on the outside you would never know it.  There have been a lot of feelings of being alone and having to do everything alone and its overwhelming. Exhaustion is something that is felt often daily.  Sleep has been hard to find.   It's not even specific nightmares but a feeling of running until there is nothing left.  When morning comes, I have been running all night so there is no real rest.  I need a break I need some peace; I need someone to guide me through this that can be there for the worst of the worst and the best of the best.  I am tired of cleaning and tired of cooking.  I am tired so tired of all the things and I desperately need some rest.  It's the end of another semester and find myself questioning everything! Did I do this right, that right, did I turn in everything that I was supposed to. I am second guessing everything, and my head hurts. I just desperately am wanting to find my place in this world.  I want to find my very own people that I can say will you come over?  Want to watch a movie ?  Hey my favorite poet is in town want to go with me ? That is what I want.  It seems that at 49 I am yet to find those things and it makes me sad.  I feel like I am doing something wrong. I feel like there is some kind of flaw that makes me always the outlier.