There are so many things to speak about. So many things that are in my heart that I can't explain or understand. It is something strange when others start reading the things you write. On one hand, it's amazing and you hope that it is making a difference. On the other hand, it's very overwhelming and you question everything. In so many ways it's something that I have always wanted to share. The things that are in my heart are things that I want others to be able to understand. I want my experiences to be heard so that it makes a difference for others. For someone to read what I have written and maybe do things different so that other people don't have to go through the same experiences that I have. That means the world to me, knowing that others will be treated differently is something that I am more than passionate about. We have to do better for survivors.
For me, looking back on some of the past things that I have written there was a theme of sadness. I was a little shocked, like really these feelings are still here so prominent. And there was the anger at myself that I am not done yet. There are moments I feel like one of those people that is dwelling on those things. The last thing I want to be is to that person who people dread coming and run the other way. I fear people reading the things that I write and thinking, she needs to get over it, she is looking for attention. It is a real fear that I will be seen as someone who is just stuck in that place of sad, like oh poor me. I am everything opposite of that, but the fear that is how I will be seen is much bigger than I would like.
So tonight, I was talking about that sad that has been an ever-present part of my life. There are oh so many questions, I wonder if this sad will ever go away. I wonder if this will always be a part of who I am. I asked Mark and he said that hopefully it will soften, the edges won't feel so sharp. That made so much sense. Lately the sad is very sharp, and it makes me heart heavy. There is so much sad, just so much. Mark even said that he can not imagine the amount of sad that I must feel. And the weight of that hits me and it's a punch to my stomach. I hear that and I want to give myself the time for that sadness. like if someone else is able to acknowledge just how much sad that I have in who I am, then somehow, it's ok to be sad.
And he asked me another thoughtful question. Would there be Joy if there was no sad? And I don't know. I see the little things around me all the time. I notice the little bird drinking water from a puddle. I notice the leaf that looks like a heart that landed on my window. I notice the clouds and the smallest drop of rain on my cheek and the most beautiful rainbow off in the distance. Even at the worst of times I notice those things and they keep me going. Those were the things that have always kept me going. Even this morning leaving for work, I was late of course, and yet I still noticed that vibrant Cardinal sitting on the sidewalk. That made my day this morning, it's those little things that I notice, that make my heart smile. It's always been those little things. And would I give up those things to never have that sadness, and the answer is no. Not in a single second. I would never ever give up those little things, for the sadness to go away. With out a doubt without questions, I would never give those things up. At the same time that I believe that it is possible to experience joy without that deep sad. The amount of sadness that I have experienced gives me a different appreciation of those little things. Even sitting here, writing I hear the birds out the window. It stops me in my tracks, and I think how many there are do they live in the magnolia tree, just to hear them happily chirping, that is everything. I would never give up how I experience those little things. And I wonder, without that sad, what would my experience of those birds outside my window be? I can never answer that question because I cannot change a thing that has happened to me, but I can try to change things for others.
As deep and as, awful as that sad is maybe I need to learn to embrace it a little. For me sadness is the enemy, it's not a good thing. Sadness is something weak. My sadness terrifies me because it's so deep and so intense. It's fine for others, but for me it isn't ok for me to be sad. I feel like a broken record often because when you have not had normal life kindness, kindness is something extra special that I am not willing to overlook that. Often when I receive those kindnesses the tears come, because I am that grateful. Because things i should have heard my entire life I have just heart while in my 40's. Let that sink in.
I was crying in my session tonight and I asked the question, will this deep sad ever go away. There is a piece of my heart, that knows, there are going to be pieces of that sadness always there. I am always going to have parts of me that are sad about what was lost, what was taken what I never got to experience. I need to be realistic, that it is not possible to wake up one day and magically have that sadness wiped away. I am just a person that feels everything so deeply. I am still trying to figure it all out. That balance, the tears and the joy. I would never want those little joys to be anything other than that for me, but I do so wish that the sad would lose its edges. I have been battered and bruised for so so long and I just need less of that sad. I just need less of the heavy that weighs on my soul. Life is heavy and when you are a person that feels it all, it's a burden that no person should have to carry alone. I have hope that the sad will soften, I have hope that somedays the tears won't be so quick to come. I have hope that I am never going to stop trying, until each and every one of those edges is as soft as a feather.
Even with this sad I am going to find my very own happily ever after. The sad is so intense, that it often takes me breath away. I need to remember, it's a feeling, feel it and let it pass. Just a little turbulence. I was listening to that song on the way home and the tears fell and fell and fell. So many tears. I know that I have come so far, and I know that I have a way to go. I don't care what anyone says, I am looking for that place of happily ever after, when my heart finds peace and comfort, with the softness of a million feathers.
Both so turbulent and Always searching for happily ever after.
I heart your heart.
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