Cutting ties

 

I can't even believe that I am putting this into words, but it is more than time.  In my life I have always had favorites.  There have been people that I have unconditionally loved without a doubt.  Often times, I had favorites, but I was not their favorite and for a long time that was good enough.  For too long really that was ok with me.  Because they were my favorite.  Recently, that just isn't enough.  I am sick of having favorites but never being anyone's favorite back.  It's so hard to explain really. I give and give and give, getting morsels back.  Each morsel I hold onto thinking maybe someday I will fit with them maybe someday; just maybe I will be their favorite too. And I look around, at their favorites and realize that I have just crumbs.  I used to be ok with that.  I am not anymore.  I deserve more than crumbs.  I want more than crumbs every now and then.  And it's really hard.  When I realized that I wanted more, things that used to be ok just aren't anymore.  What used to be fine, just isn't anymore.  Part of that breaks my heart because some people that were favorites, literally meant everything, and at the same time the amount oh hurt that was inflicted on my heart, are things that I can no longer ignore.  When there are new posts and pictures that break your heart, I don't need this heart of mine to keep breaking over things that aren't meant for me. It hurts, because I never imagined, this is where things would be.  When a person can't appreciate who you are, and how you got there, it makes things difficult. I want people that hear me and can appreciate where I have been and where I am going. And I am just not going in their direction, maybe it was a season, maybe it was something else, but I can't sacrifice myself to be something to them that I am not. I cannot hold on hoping to be something to someone, because I am worth more than crumbs. I am worth more, than I am being given. 

It was my birthday, and I received a text message saying well, I tried to say happy birthday, but we are no longer friends on Facebook.  I am sure it was a mistake.  Then well if this is the only way that I can contact you Happy Birthday. My heart sank.  No, we were no longer friends on Facebook.  It was just too hurtful for me, knowing that I was not seen and heard. Others were chosen over me, and excuses were given.  Not once was I asked if I was ok. So many months ago, I decided that I was no longer willing to have my heart crushed and I did unfriend her.  A long time ago.  I saw her message and a part of me froze, should I tell her it was a mistake, do I tell her I have no idea what happened?  So many thoughts and it took me a few days to answer.  I wanted to say, some conversations are just not meant for texts. Thank you for the happy birthday. I wanted to be brutally honest, but I didn't have it in me. So, I said awe thanks, things are crazy with grad school full time and working full time.  And then another response and another.  She asked if I was going into school administration, clearly, she had not seen my page is a long time anyway. She asked me questions that she had not asked in years.  She was having this conversation, and I thought the only reason this conversation is even occurring, is because she realized we were no longer friends.  I cannot even tell you how long it had been without any words from her.  There was a sadness, because she doesn't get it.  There was a sadness because she used to be a favorite.  There was a sadness, that I was no longer willing to have my heart broken to hope for something that deep down I knew would never be.  It's the worst feeling when there are all these words that want to come out, and you realize that there is no point.  All the times they have come to Dallas, I have not seen them.  All the times they have been close I was never a consideration.  There is just so much hurt there.  As I am growing, as I continue to heal, I cannot be a part of something that doesn't want me to be a part back.  There are still so many thoughts and feelings. It still kills me, I never imagined this is where things would be. She always said you can't be everyone's friend.  NO, that is true.  You cannot be everyone's friend.  So to avoid my heart from breaking anymore, I removed myself from the situation. I did what was right for me, it hurts that there is no understanding. It hurts so much.  In time, I hope, this ache lessens.  I just so wanted to be a part of them like they were a part of me.  I can't be an afterthought, the one always left out.  I deserve more. 

 I heart your heart