I need training wheels again

That is just it I need some training wheels again and I am more than afraid that I won't find any. And then what ? What happens if I don't find that, what happens if I never move any further ? That fear is more than huge and I know it won't happen but never the less its a fear.  I am tired of reaching out and then getting nothing back.  Even the other day I got a text from a friend that I had not heard from in forever wanting me to come to her house for some church worship thing.  I didn't know what to say, I took a few breaths and I was honest .  I told her no that wasn't my thing that I really didn't fit in there and thanked her.  Her response was well oh I think that you would enjoy it,  that she had been wanting to ask me and was trying to find the right time.  I wrote her back telling her that church and religion wasn't for me that I could not add any hurt to my already broken heart. That I know that I am too needy and that I ask too many questions.  And her response, her response was telling   a quick ok and nothing else.  When you tell someone that your heart is broken, I need support, I need a listening heart I need someone to hold space for me.  And I don't get that and I really don't understand.  I think a part of me is finally accepting the depression and it sucks and I fight it but its there and its haunting and so very heavy.  I want to be understood, I want to be heard. Right now in this pace in life I want someone to listen and to support me and to promise me that I am not going crazy.  The kids are 13 and that's better than I anticipated which is awesome ! But there are things that come up for me often and I need someone to help get me back on track again.  When the brokenness becomes very apparent and you want to stay in bed curled up in a ball, its time for some training wheels again.  Not just anyone can be training wheels, its takes someone who is personable and kind.  It takes someone that I can connect with that is caring kind and genuine someone that truly has my best interest at heart.  And that is something that is more than hard to find, But I keep looking.

I am hoping that getting something through the STITCH will help, that I can find someone who understands and will be a good match for me.  There is so much and I don't want people to cringe at my story I want them to walk with me as I heal.  I don't want them to carry it I want them to stand and support me as I fight the next battles that I face. Not an easy task and more than hard to ask for.  But it will be worth it.  I know I can go far with the right person. I have seen that happy place and know that I can get there again.  I am scared I know the hard work and tears that it takes but it is more than worth it. I do everything all the time and having someone to support me as I fight that I can be honest with would mean the world.  I am sure that depression has been there for a very long time and I have called it other things, I have ignored it.  Well I am not ignoring it anymore.  Its so heavy, its heavier than I can do on my own.  I think the more that things were coming together on the outside the sadder that the inside was getting.  Because with each mile stone I thought this will be it, this will make my heart feel better, this will fill the holes,  but none of those things fixed everything.  Oh there is so much Happy,  so many things are going well its just my insides just don't feel right , I need to much, I am too clingy and I more than anything want someone to stay to be there that can handle my heart now and when I get even stronger and still when the inside matches the all the good outside.

So here where I am is a lonely place to be.  I am not ignoring where I am and looking for some relief some comfort.  My heart is bursting with joy and then remembers and I feel so awful.  I don't want that awful. I can't eat it away.  I can't scrub it away its there and I am not getting any younger.  Sure I am strong if I don't find anyone I am sure that I would make it if no one can stay I am sure I will be joyful and go on.  I am happy where I am but I want more of myself for myself.  I do NEED training wheels again,  and that has to be OK.  Because I need it, I could do it on my own but I just don't want to anymore. I just need some training wheels so I can get strong again and be ready to stand up to the world.  I will be happy regardless, I will enjoy the life that I have but this is for my tender heart.  I love to see the happy for others I want my very own happy.

I heart your heart 

Boom just like that

Sometimes it seems things come out of no where. I take that back I always know that they are there I think that sometimes I am shocked that they bother me more than others.  I mean I can watch pretty much any movie and its no big deal. Truth is sometimes I even watch those rough things thinking that somewhere I am going to be able to find the answers or that one phrase that is going to ease my heart and make everything ok.  Then today the movie hit me.  And I feel myself not being able to catch my breathe,  not being able to move and my mind goes way back to the things that have happened to me.  I don't understand how not to do that its so automatic,  and the fear that is still there. I am safe in my own house and every moment of terror of pain is still in my bones.  Today I didn't expect it at all and it caught me off guard and I feel like I have a hundred thousand pounds of rock right on my chest.  The last week its happened almost every day, the panic attacks.  The freezing, the feelings of those exact moments.  The fear oh my goodness I am still more than afraid of him. I know he isn't coming down the hall or hurting me, I know that as a 42 year old but my heart remembers, my body remembers, and my mind keeps everything on replay trying to figure out what it is that I could have done different.  What a place to live.  It seems I move so far ahead then get stuck in the same muck. Things are different I am stronger than I have ever been yet that stinking sad is there regardless. And I really don't understand.  I am learning what I want and I don't want to settle for second.  So many relationships are changing and I am scared what if they change so much and i end up with none, its not like they are coming out of the wood work to be my friend, you know.  I hate that I feel so much and question everything and I want more than anything to be someones first and to matter and I want people to think of me and see if I am ok.  I just want people not even to get who I am but smile and accept it, just let me be you know.  I don't fit into any circles really and that is hard.  I just really don't know.  I am me and that is different I am my own person that is different and strange and feeling and would do anything for you.  The anxiety right now is so huge and I don't understand.

things I can't say

So
 many
words
they
all
ring
true.
 The
truth
of
me
who
I
am .