Do people really want the truth ?

It kind of feels like a double edged sword.  The Truth. When people ask how you are do you tell them or do you lie ? And I am not talking about the every day hello!! And just the general how are you today.  I am talking about the every now and then, when people are true and genuine and want to know .  Are you honest and tell them how you really are or do you lie ?  There are oh so many factors but I can tell you lying gets old and telling the truth leaves you alone so how about being stuck in that place ????  When in your heart you would love to sit and tell them the truth but the Phrase :

"YOU CANT HANDLE
THE TRUTH"

COMES TO MIND.


And I am coming to believe that this is how its supposed to be.  I try to avoid the question at all cost giving the random I am fine. or the smile and say good , good.  Sometimes I laugh and say well I am breathing. Sometimes you give that quick answer and hope everyone moves on.  Sometimes you hesitate hoping that someone will notice that you aren't so OK and they will ask again.  Still other times you don't have a clue how you feel you were up all night with vivid nightmares and you are just trying to get through the day and do all of the things that are necessary adult things.

The other day I had one of those conversations.  And I tried to ignore, but they asked again. They asked how I was again ??  Do you have an y idea what that means ??? So much

I was writing asking for him to pray for Amy's mom and for Amy as she goes through this hard time.  And I got a message back : 

Jason: I sure will. how are you ?

Me:  Thanks so much.

Jason:  How are you ?

And I stared at this for the longest time.. I can't tell him and be a pest.....should I be funny or noest or just be grateful that he even asked.....

Me: Me?? i'm breathing

Jason: Miss you ? 

Jason :)

Me: So miss you guys, hope all is well.  Think of you all the time

Me: Thanks for asking 

Jason: same here. i'm always curious what God is teaching you and if you totally trust and believe in him yet. :) trust him SC!

Me: No I want to but I don't, one of those things I can't do on my own....and maybe isn't meant for me

Jason:  :) It is friend. Pray like the man whom Jesus healed his kid. He said Jesus help my unbelief

And there was a long pause do I just be grateful or do I ask the hard question that weighs on me ....

Me: OK so one question.... Why can't there be one person to stay and help in the unbelief :(

Jason: What would you want the person to be/do

And I had to take a few minutes , do I risk being needy, being a pest, being a dork and sounding totally stupid .....So I took the chance and did all of those things 

Me: To be there, have the hard conversations, listen to my ramblings, keep reassuring, push in because I will always say that I am breathing or I am fine,......someone that I won't be a burden too.....it's a lot and its to much to ask.....So I don't.....I long for it and hope someday.......but I won't hold my breath.......I am plain old too stinking needy .......
You know all the positive a little one needs....I never got any of that when I was little so a part of me is stuck needing that.......And it doesn't work because  I am not a little kid but 42!!!!! That's where I live.....CRYING FACE

Jason: Maybe the lord gives you that in several relationships?  BTW everyone is needy if there is such a thing,  I get to see a lot more The foundational  relationship key is to trust the other enough to need , lean on, trust that they care and vise versa.  My point is I think you can find that in a church family.  :) and Yes we love and miss you. 

And then the guilt that I was bothering him and even worse I find out that he was in Florida enjoying his family.  And the guilt that I was bothering him that I should have just stuck to the old I'm fine was so incredibly huge.

So I guess this is going in two different directions , I think I fear telling people the honest truth because then I will loose the few people that I have.  All that goes on in my mind the hurt, the pain the doubt all things that are more than scary to share.  So I don't but in that I move further and further away.  I have no idea how to judge if people want to know the truth or not.  Because in my life most people truly can't handle the truth.  And oh my heart wants to scream and shout but we retreat and fold into our self and hope that we didn't do something to make the person leave forever.

So much to understand, This is one of those times when I realize how even these little life lessons are things that I never got as a child and I am fighting my way to catch up and try to understand all the things that I don't .  So I am not sure a lot of the time if people could handle my truth.  I know that there are a few, but there are so many things that are not.  Those things make me different make me cower in the corner make me fear being a bother and a pest.  Oh this life that is mine.  I am not sure that I am ever going to figure it out.  So much was missed,  even from the little things that like people meeting your needs and being there as a child.....I found none of those things to be true and now as I am getting older I want those things.  I want to lean on someone I want someone to understand I want someone to hear me and be there and I don't know that I know how to let those things happen.  I feel like I had come so far out of my shell and feel myself wanting that shell more than ever.  Do people want the truth....I think some of them do....I am sure that others do not.....So its a choice sharing my broken battered heart, or smiling saying I am fine, and not being true to anyone including myself.  Such a balance that   I can not figure out.  Please maybe someday ????  Thanks for Asking Jason it meant more than you can imagine.

I heart your heart