Self care days

I am not very good at self care. I an generally the last person on my list, and that is if there is anything left.  This week I practiced self care in a huge way and I can not even tell you the guilt that I felt, that I still feel I feel like I was more than selfish and I know it was the right decision but still more than hard.. I know that I did the right thing for me but that doesn't make it any easier !  And I had worried about this day for a long time.  I knew that people who hurt me so very much were going to be there and I could not.  I hate feeling things so very deeply.  Its not my mom that passed  but the pain for my friend is gut wrenching.  There is nothing in the world that I can do or say to make it better and that is hard.  And I am not her people so I don't want to be a pest but I want to make sure that she is ok.  So I am going to keep making sure that she is ok even though I am not her people , because I want her to know that I care. Oh the conversations in my head do I go do I take care of myself.  I knew that her people would be there to take care of her,  to give her what she needed and I knew that to see those people that would be devastating to me because I once thought that I ft in with them that there was a bond, but that was not the case and sides are taken and people are forgotten and I could not do the drama.  This was not something about me so I made the right choice for me and I didn't go.  I still feel the guilt with every cell in my heart but I keep reminding myself that it was the best for my own heart.  If I was her person there is nothing that could have kept me from being there, so my people let that be known.  I will be there no matter the cost to myself . When you are needed your needed without exception so you put yourself to the side be supportive and know that your own heart will still be there once your person is ok again.

And my mom went out of town this weekend for my bothers birthday.  I have written slept organized. I have felt, I have enjoyed each and every second.  I have let myself feel the moment and that is not something that I often do. Its different without her here, I realize the things that I hide, the feelings I don't show, how a part of me shuts down.  There is a lot to work on.  There are things I can't change.  I am glad that she is here that I can help.  At the same time there are many things to say that don't even have words.  Maybe someday I will figure them out, maybe I won't.  Again I know that I am doing the right thing having her here.    There is not a second, I wish that some things were not different but with my mom all I can do is go forward.

The kids and I had an amazing few days we laughed lots, we talked about everything and nothing we watched scary movies.  We chilled we cleaned we cooked we did all those things together and it was perfect.  Friday night we stayed up until 3 am we were listening to music Vincent decided to color code my closet, Mariska was going through boxes that I still had to unpack.  Everything was perfect.  I was enjoying each and every second and I was present for all of them.

I found the most amazing song that I am sure that I have listened to hundreds of times and I am sure that I will listen hundreds more. I want someone to love me most.  I have sat outside and enjoyed the trees, watched the clouds.  I have played tether ball with Vincent and laughed till my stomach hurt. Everything was perfect.

Then I have written some more, and just taken the time to be.  And its been more than nice.  I feel guilty there are things I should have gotten done and didn't but they will still be there tomorrow.  It feels good writing but I am realizing that I have not felt for some time and that's rough.  I am trying to figure out my place, my friends and what I need to do next.  All a part of the process.  These last few days have been everything perfect, and I am so glad I had them and that I was able to be totally present. These are the days to remember.

I heart your heart. Keep going Callahan Keep going.