Today one of my favorites will have a service to Celebrate her mom and I can not go. I physically mentally emotionally CAN NOT GO. I am stuck between doing what is right for me and being there if only to show my support. Its has been an excruciating few days really and I don't know where to begin. Everything about the situation has to do with me and my feelings and I can not seem to shut them off to be there. I am more than upset have lost great sleep and the guilt is huge. I will not be missed there, and if I went I feel like its just taunting myself. look look these are all the people that are not your friends that have lied that have stabbed you in the back. So whether my choice is the right one or the wrong one. I have made it and I will support and hold space and be sad while also keeping myself safe. I can not go there and pretend that those people have not hurt me to my core. I feel more than selfish, and I can not even begin to express just how very sorry I am that I couldn't be there . I watched the ceremony and there were tears. It was beautiful and I am sure that Kay was watching and crying along with all who were there to celebrate her life. The words were beautiful and as Bob said there was an amazing Sea of red that I am sure she just loved.
Those are my people Amy and James those are my people and the problem is that I am not their person and I know that. I know that the important people were there for them that there people were there and for that I am grateful. Me not being able to go and support them was purely saving myself. I am not sure the toll that it would have taken and I can't put myself at risk. Because no one other than me would even notice that I was in a room full of people that don't care for my heart. I just could not so that. I wanted to but I just could not. I was afraid how I would be treated or not treated for that matter and I could not go and pretend that my feelings and my heart don't matter. This was about celebrating Amy's mom, and celebrating her life. So to Amy and James I am more than sorry that I wasn't there I was just taking care of my heart. I know that I am not your person but I am grateful that you are mine. My heart was there with you and I cried with you. I will keep you all in my thoughts as you process and grieve and miss your mom. I hope that they know I am always here if you need anything.
I so love you my friends. I am more than sorry I was selfish but I was keeping my heart safe.
For Kay may you keep dancing in heaven
I heart your heart.
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